Table For Two: Ad Infinitum
3:10 pm December 27, 2003
To the woman, Damien was misinterpreted. At times she felt he was a little pushy or almost too concerned. Yet, that may be impossible in this matter. Still, she felt she had lost everything, slowly but surely, through the years she had lost it all. Her home, her father, and her mind. She was lost herself in this cold and unforgiving world.
No matter what, she would still always reserve a nice table for two in the diner of her heart and mind. One for Damein and Her to sit and speak of things lost and found. Always knowing the underlying pangs and twitches would come through and through.
They would try to ignore the wretching and pestering thoughts to no avail. So they feast upon feelings and emotions they passed to each other. Some with comfort and joy, so as to help their hearts. She would always love him, and hope that wherever they were, he would be okay. That he would be happy.
Catch-22 If You Can
When She came over on Christmas night, it made the whole day completely worthwhile for me. Even after the scare with calling the Paramedics for Grandma, her showing up made me feel a lot better. When she fell asleep on the bed and I couldn't wake her up, I just sat there watching her sleep. Just her being there next to me helped me feel so much better that night. Even though I lay next to her crying most of the night, just knowing she was there was so calming to me.
The next day, I let her sleep in, because I could tell she was tired and not feeling well, and I spent most of the day writing about her. Though when she finally woke up around four in the afternoon, she was upset with me for letting her fall asleep here in the first place. She was mad for me letting her sleep so long and for not knowing I should have gone over to her Mom's and getting "her" cell phone and locking her Mom's door. It hurt me so much with her being so upset with me, and the look on her face and the tone of her voice... And here I thought I had done good by letting her get her sleep so she would feel better. She has snapped at me quite a lot lately since that day and it makes me wonder what it is that is causing her to take all of this out on me. If anyone should be snapping at people, it should be me, you'd think. But I have kept my cool pretty damned well through all of this, and really feel there is not much of a reason to snap. Except maybe because all of this came as a big surprise to me and my whole world has been turned upside down and turned inside out. And then to add insult to injury, someone comes along and pours salt in the wounds and gets a big kick out of it.
New Year's Regurgitations Pattern
January 8, 2005
Happy New Year, and thus it all starts over once again. The same situations and scenarios begin to play out yet another time, and it seems No One has really been paying attention to the Lessons we have been presented to learn. Yet again it all starts anew and one can't help but wonder and doubt about the outcome of this repeated pattern, and exactly how it will play out This Time...
You would think that by now, after all we have been through together, all the pain and suffering and the tears, that the lesson would be learned thoroughly, and that this time Caution would be in heavy use. I guess we can only wait and see what happens This Time, and hope and pray that Good Judgement and Common Sense prevail, and that there will be no Reason Whatsoever for Doubt and Worry. Hopefully...
It is amazing how another can easily deceive one when it comes to matters of the Heart. Because you Love someone so much, you are very trusting and believe everything they tell you, taking all at face value and never doubting them one bit. You believe that all they are telling you is right and true, and you never try to read into anything, all because you Love Them, and you have no reason to ever imagine them hurting you, lying to you or even withholding something from you. And if, one day, they DO hurt you, and not tell you the Whole Story, you are so completely blindsided and baffled in the wake of it. So baffled, that you are left confused and lost as to what You Should or Should Not do in regards to what they have done, all because of that rarely valued and cherished trust that comes from Love.
From then on, it is a whole new ballgame. You want so much to be able to go back to the carefree days before the Disaster, when it was cut and dry as to how things worked in the relationship. When you could easily Trust them and not worry about things like who they are with and What exactly they are doing with them. You would not lie awake in bed at night wondering if You had done something wrong and if you did, What exactly had You done wrong, and if you would ever see them again.
After something like that happens, you find yourself questioning trivial things, wondering if they are telling you the truth about who they are talking to on the phone, or who they are going out with. You begin to question if they are actually being honest with You when you ask them if there is something wrong or bothering them, and they say No, nothing is wrong. Everything that was once familiar is now Alien, because all has fallen under the Shadow of Doubt, and has a whole different look and feel to it. You have now become a resident of Letdown Row...
Later in your Life, when this tragic set of events has happened to you a few times, you begin to lose touch with all you once had believed in so strongly, and you lose faith. As you drift further from whom you once were, you begin to with for it all to come to an end, all the pain and heartache in your life causes you to WANT to die, or disappear. You start to do things you would not normally do in order to inflict damage on yourself, to slowly try to kill yourself off piece by piece.
The eventual outcomes of this type of behavior are very Sad, but So True. These roads eventually lead to either Suicide, Overdose or even worse in some cases, Madness. And to think, all of this was caused by our inherent nature in being humans in "Love," our belief that one you Love so dearly would Never, Ever hurt us or let us down. And because of this TRUST, here we lay dying or already DEAD, because we are in "LOVE..."
After all the pain and anguish had finally subsided, Damien had a chance to sort out all the events and emotions involved in his relationship with Julia. Once he had a chance to lay it all out and take a step back to see the whole picture, a lot of issues the two of them had with each other finally became clear to Damien and many questions were finally answered.
One of the most glaring points made clear was Julia’s age. While Damien was with her, he could not see this or how it had affected their relationship overall, because he Loved her and was too close to see its effect on them. But now here it was, so blindingly clear to him. She was mentally too immature and young to be a stable enough partner for him. She still had a lot of growing up to do, and she would not know exactly WHO she really was for a long time to come. She had yet to really experience Life on Life’s terms, and when she finally did, Damien had a feeling it would royally surprise the hell out of her, and that she might not be able to handle it very well. She was accustomed to having someone take care of her and shield her from all of Life’s harsh realities. Someone had always given her the drugs that she partied on, and a place in which she could party. Necessary things were always provided for her and all she had to do was be beautiful and shake her ass from time to time.
Another painfully obvious flaw was that she was very able to criticize others, but she could not handle being criticized herself. In her young mind, She was perfect and could do no wrong. Everyone but her own self was wrong, and she was the one to make sure to point this out to everyone.
“Oh, Fuck it all,” Damien exclaimed to himself. He was mentally exhausted by the extent of the similarities of his relationships and how they had all seemed to turn out exactly the same. It seemed he was beginning to see the patterns of His own life and how long he had wasted banging his head against the same walls in life by repeating the same patterns over and over again.
January 8, 2004
The decision to flee was never a spontaneous decision, it had been eating away at their sub-conscious minds for a long time now. They both knew that if they remained in this place much longer, it would devour them entirely, leaving them dead or deranged and locked away someplace with rubber walls. Everywhere they looked were the constant reminders of Failure, letdowns, Pain and suffering, and this was definitely not the place to nurture a healthy, happy future for them.
The Dis-Ease had a very strong hold on this place, and most of the blissfully ignorant people therein, and there was no hope of ever changing that. To try and coexist side by side with the infected masses in any way, shape or form was Insanity. They already felt the initial stages of Dementia setting in just by being anywhere near those with the Dis-Ease, and it sickened them to even breathe the air.
So when they had finally gotten their personal affairs in order and gathered what few precious things they would be taking with them, they were finally ready to leave this Godforsaken place once and for all. Since they were now prepared to leave for good, they decided to stop off at their favorite bar and have a few Farewell drinks with their friends they would be leaving behind. The bar felt just as warm and friendly as a bar could ever feel to them as Damien and Chani stepped through the door into the festive, alcohol-fueled atmosphere within. Everyone they knew in the bar greeted them as they sat down on two of the barstools near the midway point of the bar and prepared to order their last drinks ever at the S.S. Porthole. They knew how sad it would make the "Regulars" of the bar to hear that they would be leaving. So as they explained why they were leaving and where they were planning on going the two of them decided to buy a round of drinks for the bar and make a celebration out of their leaving.
Little did Chani and Damien know of exactly how strange of an evening they would be in for as they ordered their drinks. Walking slowly up the street in Anywhere, U.S.A. was Dis-Ease, in the flesh, coming to pay a visit to the S.S. Porthole. Dis-Ease was lonely tonight and wanted nothing more than to make himself some new friends for the evening to join him in his Misery.
January 12, 2004
Damien had not even been aware that he had passed through the Gateway and thus into the Land Of Never, a parallel universe so like our own that one rarely notices they are in another dimension unless they are “awake.” Damien had been so lost in his thoughts of Chani that he had not seen the portal of the Gateway open before him, so that now the only way he was able to tell this was the Land Of Never was the subtle differences. He noticed a Santa Claus in the Mall, who was fat in all the wrong places, and he was saying “He, He, He!” instead of the normal “Ho, Ho, Ho!” and it was the middle of July, Christmas not coming for another six months.
As Damien confirmed that he was, indeed, in the Land Of Never, he focused now on exactly why he had unconsciously crossed over to this place that is the mirrored image of Reality. He began to watch for His Crows, which, on this side of the veil are White Doves, and sure enough, he saw them arrive at almost the same moment he had thought of them. They would show him the way to what he was unconsciously searching for. He knew that he would have to speak to the only Mendhaspek, or “Seer” and means “to learn”- Mendh and “to observe” – Spek.
Here in “The Other Place,” Never is well known for its random and oft seen occurrences of Chaos, since here, there is no protective layer of energy to filter out the unseen energies, or spirits from what is “Real.” Our own world has that thin membrane which keeps all of us from going mad from the mind’s shock and horror while rational thought overloads trying to keep track of Real and Sur-Real. If most people in our world had to go through that and try and process all this Sur-Real manifestations of ‘other-worldly’ energies, their minds would snap, and they would lose touch with Reality, no longer sure what is Real and what is not.
January 16, 2005
What is not possible in our World is very possible in Never. We can fly ourselves around there. We are able to read minds in Never and so no one really speaks out loud if ever, so that was another clue that was a dead giveaway to Damien as to his whereabouts. Now knowing for sure, he then took to the sky, flying in the direction of the Mendhaspek’s home far off in the foothills of Mount Nod. Any trip within the range of Mount Nod’s sphere of Influence was usually very taxing on the psyche of anyone within that area.
The alternating energies that lie between our world and the Land Of Never are very chaotic, unpredictable and violent. Thus why it is next to impossible for most people to even see this barrier, much less cross over it. Their conscious mind would not be capable of processing the sensory input of something as off the wall as a Whole Separate Dimension on the other side of this wall of plasmic energy between Realities. They go through their lives never knowing what is Really out there and what is Really "Real," because to them, it is the Unseen, and so thus, it Does Not Exist to them. But hey, What they don't know can't hurt them, Right?
WRONG!
It is these very things, the "Unseen" things that are controlling and affecting their very lives, and the outcome of many events in their lives. And because they don't see, they have given their existence to some unknown entity to control and manipulate the outcome of their life. But it is not their fault that things are this way at all, for they are not the ones who pulled the curtain between Worlds and Realities to hide the power of Never from the wrong types of people.
March 31, 2005
Thus here the saga of Damien LaRouche continues, as the “Man with No Soul” continues his wanderings and Revelations of Life. Damien now found himself at peace; for the first in his life, he felt “at home.” Never before had he experienced serenity as complete and fulfilling as he now felt. He smiled inwardly as he thought about all the trials and tribulations he had endured as they were leading him up to this point in his life. Everything he had been through had happened for a reason, and it had all been proved worthwhile. Knowing the reason finally was a great relief to Damien, because it answered all of the little nagging questions that had plagued him over the years: “Why? How Come? When? Where? How?” all answered to the fullest finally at long last. He could feel the weight of doubt lift off of his shoulders and he could finally breathe a great sigh of relief!
April 1, 2005
As Damien strolled through his past, pondering events and moments gone by, he was suddenly struck by an odd insight into some of the madness that he used to live in day to day. He recalled the long evenings he and Chani used to share, doing nothing but laying in each others arms for hours at a time discussing life, the past and what the future may hold in store. It was peaceful, serene times such as this that stuck out most in Damien’s mind because of how loving and at ease they felt with each other. He remembered how they would stay up all night long like this, not knowing how much time had passed, nor caring for that matter. When they would lapse into moments of quiet reflection, Damien recalled that he could tell it was in the early hours of the morning by listening to the chirping of the birds in the trees outside their window.
April 2, 2005
It was Divine Intervention that had kept Damien alive this long, he realized now. He now knew this to be a fact in his life, for he now knew the reason for himself being here on earth. He knew that this reason was to enlighten others who were facing the same trials and tribulations he had gone through before, to share his Experience, Strength and Hope.
April 4, 2005
Damien felt one of those trance-like zones coming on again, the ones where everything disappeared around him. He hated when these came on, because he felt disconnected from everything and everyone around him. He didn’t like this kind of disassociation from the world that he so loved to be a part of, because it took him back to the times when he was “on the outside, looking in” and he didn’t want to go back to those times ever again. Sometimes he felt that it was the weather that caused times like this, but he knew deep in his heart that it was actually something inside himself that was unresolved causing these episodes to occur. What was it this time? He didn’t know. All he knew was that he had to try to keep his head up and stay positive, otherwise he was liable to fall again. And he didn’t want to fall again! That was the last thing he wanted to happen, because when he fell, It Hurt! Bad!
As he paced and wandered aimlessly trying to figure out what was causing this episode of the blues, he seriously assessed his feelings and thoughts to see what the trigger was for this one. Intent on staying happy, he diligently went through his mental checklist to compare what was so different about this morning to other mornings. From what he could see, it was that he had finally gotten in touch with his family, and he was just sort of going through a kind of emotional hangover from the elation of speaking with them after months of thinking they never wanted to talk to him again. Yeah, that seemed pretty plausible in his mind. Then again, it did seem pretty lame when you thought about it… It was Damien who kept putting off calling his family in the first place, and so basically it was his fault that he was feeling like this today. So, why the trance-like zone? Good question, Damien thought to himself. Maybe it was just that he hadn’t been sleeping so well over the last couple of nights. After being homeless for so long, it was still hard to adjust to new people around him, especially after he had gotten used to a core group of friends, he wasn’t ready for new “friends.” Not yet, anyway. But who was he to decide who came when and where from, as he himself had shown up in such similar circumstances. “Judge Not, lest ye be Judged yourself,” right? What will be will be, and what God has planned for us, we cannot complain as His Divine Plan is so mysterious, yet all happens for a reason, so “Let Go, Let God,” and get over it. His plans for us will be the best for us in the end if we just allow ourselves to listen for a change instead of opening our mouths and complaining. SELAH!
The End... For Now... hahahahahaha
