Fubar Blog Posts 2

Red Headed Slut
Ingredients: 1 1/2 oz Jägermeister 1 1/2 oz Peach schnapps Fill with Cranberry juice Mixing instructions: Mix in shot glass. Shoot. Creator/contributor's comments: This drink has a bit of a kick to it, and the ole' familiar Jägermeister after taste. However, it is a fun drink and after two or three of these you will be good to go. So kick back, enjoy, and remember -- Please don't drink and drive. Drink Information: Category: Shot Alcohol: Alcoholic Serve in: Shot glass

Red Hair Is Sexy?
Never worked for me in high school. Then again I went to high school with a lot of stupid people. Anyways, my hair is red :) I like it. I think I have "mom" hair now. The cut I mean. First day back to work is tomorrow. 345 meet time.. bleh. After work I'm hoping to be able to see Joe :) Was going to go see him today with the baby but I have to be in bed too early. :( So hopefully tomorrow won't be a super long day and I can be there for a couple of hours before I come home. Tuesday is my follow up with the surgeon and talking to a lawyer. Yay? My head hurts and I'm tired. I shoulda been in bed an hour and a half ago but I'm waiting for dinner. Ah well.. all for now.

Red Hatters
Last night, my Red Hat friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek! Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill.She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek. In another attempt to impress the rest of us,my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again. Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt,grabbed the eighty bucks,and left!!!

Redhead Train
To get on this train r/f/a all members. And in case you're not sure what those letters mean...RATE/FAN/ADD...and you MUST do all three. Let them know that you are joining the "sexy redhead club" in your friend request. If they are already a friend leave them a comment like "redheads rock" or something similar and don't forget to re-rate them. Don't just pass them by because you're already friends. And again my number one rule... NO DRAMA...NO DRAMA...NO DRAMA did i say NO DRAMA When new members add you rate them as well as leave them a comment. ..let them know you're joining the sexy redhead club. Rate the redhead folder on *Beautiful Brown Eyes* profile and you'll get a special sexy redhead tag. Start with this picture Don't forget to message *Beautiful Brown Eyes* when you've finished the train to be added....and rate the picture folder for your special sexy redhead

Redhead Quotes From My Sis...
"Redheads are too numerous to be ignored, too rare to be accepted." Grant McCracken "I love being a redhead. It's a rare thing, so I think there's a bond between redheads." Laura Prepon "Once in his life, every man is entitled to fall madly in love with a gorgeous redhead." -Lucille Ball "You'd find it easier to be bad than good if you had red hair," "People who haven't red hair don't know what trouble is."-Anne in Anne of Green Gables "Blondes are noticed but redheads are never forgotten." "Nobody who has known a redhead can say that redheads are tame. Even shy redheads have a burning spark of adventure inside them. Opinionated, hotheaded, logical, loyal, friendly, reserved, whatever the redheads' personality, you can bet they'll have SCADS of it!" -Review of The Redhead Encyclopedia "All throughout history, from Reuben to Robbins, redheads have been recognized as a rare breed. Blondes may have more fun, brunettes may be brainier, but when it comes down to raw ene

Red Hot Brides - Where Brides Are Going Today Online
Picked out your wedding dress already ? Let me tell you a secret. It's a big secret. Here it is. You picked a: B O R I N G wedding dress See http://redhotbrides.com for exciting and classy wedding dress options

Red Hiney
Oh my Goodness!!! I have been SmAcKeD!! It left a red hand print on my ass, and I was asked to find 10 asses to smack back. You know the ass I wanted to smack is yours. I could be at this all day!... the fun is in the giving! xoxo ONCE YOU'VE BEEN SmAcKeD, YOU HAVE TO sMaCk 10 ~SeXy~ AsSeS. INCLUDING THE AsS THAT SmAcKeD YOU! IF YOU GET SmAcKeD AGAIN YOU'LL KNOW YOU'RE REALLY ~SeXy~! * * So, GO WyLd SmAcKiN ~SeXy~ AsSEs TO LET THEM KNOW THEY'RE ~SeXy

Red Hot Autumn Night- Update 66
Red Hot Autumn Night I got a new red teddy from a fan and I just had to show it off. It went perfect with my stilettos. I show off my luscious curves, big tits, round ass, and wet pussy. Then I couldn't help but please myself with the heel of my shoe. I also show off my thick legs and sexy feet in a pair of shiny pantyhose. Don't forget to check out my videos. I now have 22 and lots more to cum. My newest one is "Cam CUM Glass Toy". It has closeup of my wet pussy as I squirt all over. XOXO LOVE XOXO Exotic Flame -- Hugs and Kisses Exotic Flame http://www.southern-charms4.com/exoticflame/main.htm

Red Hat Society Rules...
TO ALL MEMBERS OF THE RED HAT SOCIETY, Here are the rules: http://i133.photobucket.com/albums/q63/gailtheguard/MemberRedHat-LMG4.gif EXCEPT AND ALWAYS REMEMBER... SEE YA.. GOIN MAN HUNTIN! YEE HAW

Red Hot
The first thing I noticed Was the sun on her red hair Turning it to blazing fire As it tumbled Onto the white flesh of her shoulders The pastel shades Of her meagre top Struggled to contain the vibrancy of her breasts And her naked midriff tantalized The waistband of her skirt sat on her hips While the white cotton below Encased her rolling buttocks and strong thighs A gust of summer breeze Lifted her skirt allowing glimpses of her white thighs Then as she walked The sunlight behind her illuminated her form More than hinting at the delights Contained within the cotton of her skirt My thoughts then turned From her fiery red hair To a burning desire Copyright ©2008 Dale Robert Hunter

Red High Heels By Kellie Pickler
Red High Heels by Kellie Pickler Copy to My Profile Video Copy to My Videos Copy to a New Message Copy to a New Comment Copy to a New JournalCopy to recipesCopy to Precious and FewCopy to Scammers AlertsCopy to Racheal Ray Is So Cool !!Copy to Left WallCopy to Right Wall Copied! Post a comment: Comments 1-2 of 2Report as spam Michelle C says:Feb 28, 2009 1:55pm yes love this song ...xoxoox...to the past ,,the best is yet to come ..HELLO...Report as spam ♥Yolande♥ says:Dec 15, 2008 3:25pm that sooooooooooo good About This VideoVisit my channel for more.Please Comment, Rate and Subscribe.Thanks! ;)---------------------------------------- Baby I've got plans tonight You don't know nothin' about I've been sitting around way too long Trying to figure you out But you say that you'll call and you don't And I'm spinning my wheels So I'm going out tonight In my red high heels I'm gonna call up that old boyfriend Who says he has it bad for me I'm gonna take him into town

Redheads Of The World Unite!
Theron Raines, the author of “The Singing” (ISBN 0871131773) subtitled “a fable about what makes us human”, is described in the book jacket as a literary agent who earned degrees from Columbia and Oxford. I’m trying to not sound pompous here, but I’m thinking that helped fast track this book to publication eleven years ago. Basically, it’s about Mary Alice, a woman working for an ad agency whose life is jarred by a crashed UFO in Manhattan. One of the Martians within it, Forrest, goes home with her, they get married, both work at the same ad agency until it’s time for Forrest to leave with his companions leaving her pregnant with their child. A love story which is deeply moving, as Bruno Bettelheim says? (Seriously, who buys these reviews?) Perhaps it depends how you look at it, or in New York do they really do things that differently? No offense to my readers from New York is meant. The title of today’s entry comes from For

The Red Headed Spic
This creature appears to be full blooded-souless-ginger,but is actually closely related to the lantinus peepolus. Excercise caution as he is easily aggrovated (Edit) He is also a master in the smithing of poop...

Redhead - A Chemical Analysis
Redhead - A Chemical Analysis Element: Redhead Symbol: RH Atomic Weight: Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175. Discoverer: It's debatable, some say Adam, but we now know, that only God could discover something so perfect! Occurrence: Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations. Physical Properties 1. Surface usually covered with minimal painted film. As a rule, not necessary. 2. Boils at everything, freezes without reason. 3. Melts if given special treatment. 4. Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care! 5. Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore. 6. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. Chemical Properties 1. Ha

Red High Heels
I'm not a girly girl, sure I'll dress up when I get the chance...because I don't get those chances often. I'm a tank top, flip flops and shorts kind of gal. For my birthday, however, I was given a Kohl's gift card and while I was shopping I saw this exquisite pair of Candies red high heel shoes that as fate would have it went perfectly with my red Liz Claiborne purse. It was kismet. I had never had a nice pair of non sensible heels, they were either black...so they'd go with my nice school program/family dinner/etc outfits or they were 6 inch platforms for work. I wore them every chance I got, delighting in their color and how there was nothing practical about them save them being material between my feet and the pavement. Then one night I was wearing my red high heels at my favorite karaoke place. As I went up to sing No Doubt's "Bathwater" a request of the bartender every time I come in, she noticed my shoes and said "I want those! Where did you get them?" S

Redhead Amateur In Pantyhose Strip
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Redhead Drunk Granny Fucking Barely Legal Boy
Real Live Farm Sex! Hollywood VIPs Bare All! Anime So Sexy, So Real Asian Sexual Delights College Girls Fuck! Ass-Fucked Sexy Girls Deranged Dungeon Fetish Mammoth Cocks In Tight Pussies Boys Fucking Boys, Yay!

Redhot Chubby Lady
Real Live Farm Sex! Hollywood VIPs Bare All! Anime So Sexy, So Real Asian Sexual Delights College Girls Fuck! Ass-Fucked Sexy Girls Deranged Dungeon Fetish Mammoth Cocks In Tight Pussies Boys Fucking Boys, Yay!

Redhead Cheerleader Cock Suck
Hot 18 ears old girls Jurassic Cock, Real Ex Girlfriends, Pimp... Young teens hook up with dirty old men Girls give deepthroat blowjob Incredible horny slut taking the cock deeper Face fucked with a hard cock and penetrated Giant cock start the war Stripper pole mommy honey west Real ex-girlfriends A lot more sexual than the college coeds

Redhead Babe Posing In Nylon
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Redhead Teen Gettin 2 Old Dicks In Her Tight Pussy
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Redhead Asian Teen Absolutely Naked
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Redhead Babe In Wild Mmf Action
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Redhead With Natural Tits
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Redhead Mature Suck Young Cocks
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Redhead Babe In Pantyhose
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Redheads.
Other WorldThey are so rare. So strange. We know so little about them. The faces, the faces. They have a dangerous quality, as if attached to a pagan soul, a sprite who can talk to trees, and the trees talk back. The redhead's skin is beyond milky pale. It is so translucent you can often see blue veins. Freckles are a constant, from a smattering across a pert nose to a full-body speckle made up of reds and brown. Comforting mothers call them "angel kisses." Even with high-SPF sunblock, tanning is an issue. The eyes are often a smoky brown. Or the color of the ocean, from slate to marble, depending on the light and mood. The blue-eyed white-skinned redheads are like walking flags. The green-eyed redheads shake you to your soul; you are helpless in their grip. No wonder they have so often been seen as gods or demons. Or aliens, mutants, wizards or threats. Redheads are definitely genetic outliers. Less than 1 percent of the human race may be redheads -- at most, 2. Between 2 and 6 p

Redheads
Red hair is a woman's game.The harsh truth is, most red-haired men look like blondes who've spoiled from lack of refrigeration. They look like brown-haired men who've been composted out behind the barn. Yet that same pigmentation that on a man can resemble leaf mold or junkyard rust, a woman wears like a tiara of rubies.Not only are female redheads frequently lonely but theirs is a loveliness that suggests both lust and danger, pleasure and violence, and is, therefore, to the male of the species virtually irresistible. Red-Code Red-were the tresses of the original femme fatale.Of course, much of the "fatale" associated with redheads is illusory, a stereotypical projection on the part of sexually neurotic men. Plenty of redheads are as demure as rosebuds and as sweet as strawberry pie. However, the mere fact that they are perceived to be stormy, if not malicious, grants them a certain license and a certain power. It's as if bitchiness is their birthright. By virtue of thei

Redheads......
Blondes may deceive you.....Brunettes may be true....But you never know, what a redhead will do.“A trucker will slow down for a blonde, stop for a brunette but he'll back up 500 yards for a redhead!”If you love a Redhead, set her free ... If she follows you everywhere you go, pitches a tent in your front lawn and puts your new girlfriend in the hospital, she's yours. Ann, The TravelSlut :)

Rediculous
ok this is terrible we can repost things for contests or to get cherry points but with all thats going on ppl cant take what a whole minute to take and repost about something that is serious. im not doing this just because its close to where i live but stop and think about it...what if it would have happened by you or to someone you know..last thing i heard was 5 innocent little girls lost their lives and mothers and fathers lost their little girl i mean one family not only lost 1 but 2 of their daughters...I mean come on have a little heart just because u dont know them or they might not read this its still a sign of respect. wouldnt u want the same..i mean a guy from the area heard bout it went home faound some of the kids walkin on the street picked them up took them home making sure they were safe. then went to his nieghbors and a local store and made sure every1 was ok. now that is someone who knows how to show respect. so i guess what im saying is show some kind of respect for th

Rediscover
Some of the greatest treasures in your life may be things you set aside long ago. Often it pays to go back and take a look. A book you read years ago may now hold much more meaning. A friend from whom you once grew apart may now have much more in common with you. There is a reason why people, places, things and events come into your life. Be careful that you're not too quick to discard them. The things that interested you in your youth still have a message for you today. They can tell you about who you truly are. Just because something is old and familiar, does not mean it is irrelevant. Values, passions and purposes grow more robust with time and experience. You've arrived at this moment carrying a lifetime of valuable treasures. Now is your opportunity to see those treasures in a whole new light. -- Ralph Marston

Rediscovering Dance
Healing With Movement As children, most of us were encouraged to dance on a regular basis, freely and openly, in whatever way felt best. A few of us may have retained or regained our ability to engage in dancing un-self-consciously, but by the time we reach adulthood, many of us have stopped dancing altogether. We may have hang-ups about our bodies, or we may fear being judged. Then again, we may simply have fallen out of the habit for so long that we don't even realize we never dance anymore. Whatever the case, there's no time like now to rediscover the healing pleasure of moving your body to music-alone, as part of a couple, or in a group. Opportunities to dance abound, once you start looking for them. If you haven't danced in a long time and feel too self-conscious to start in a public situation, find some time alone to reintroduce yourself to the joy of listening and responding to music with your body. Turn the lights down low and remember that it's much more fun when you're

Re: Directive 51: Bush Passed It. Hitler Had The Same One
RE: Directive 51: Bush passed it. Hitler had the SAME one Wow! What an AMAZING coincidence! thank you *RC_REVOLUTION 420 [resistance] Date: Sep 26, 2007 7:38 PM

Rediscovering Riot Grrrl
Ok...so i am doing this zine with psychic_surgery / jethrablack about Riot Grrl & how it affected(saved) my life .... & i''ve been thinking a lot about how i am now compared to the person i used to be. i have changed in so many ways. listening to RG music when i was younger made me a stronger person at a time in my life where i felt weak & powerless...it gave me something to believe in. & while i went thru different music phases-->ska,pop punk,emo, & most recently rockabilly & psychobilly--i still listened to riot grrrl. but after awhile i lost interest. i dunno how that happened. i still dragged out my old records & listened to them every once in awhile but like i mentioned in my post yesterday--i stopped ordering from KRS & Chainsaw & just got outta the loop when it came to RG music. i still got awesome mixes from people with kickass riot grrrl music but never purchased any new music from these bands myself....which sucks cos i know i missed out & now i gotta catch up!!! i'm

Re: Did Bhutto Know Of Mossad 9/11 Black Ops Before Her Death
RE: Did Bhutto Know Of Mossad 9/11 Black Ops Before Her Death ----------------- Bulletin Message ----------------- From: Mary Date: 27 Dec 2007, 19:30 ----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------From: Tom Heneghan Intelligence BriefingDate: Dec 27, 2007 1:20 PM. . .VIEW IMAGES AND PICS AT:http://blog.myspace.com/tom_heneghan_intelTOM HENEGHAN'S EXPLOSIVE INTELLIGENCE BRIEFINGSInternational Intelligence Expert, Tom Heneghan, has hundreds of highly credible sources inside American and European Intelligence Agencies and INTERPOL -- reporting what is really going on behind the scenes of the controlled MSM cover up propaganda of on-going massive deceptions and illusions.*** A REMINDER: Homosexual gays and lesbians who are "IN-THE-CLOSET" are a MAJOR threat to National Security being vulnerable to blackmail and extortion by self-serving, hostile entities against the safety, security, sovereignty and best interests of the American People.BACK BREAKING NEWSAs We Continue to

Re: Diebold Voting Machine Contractor Has Criminal Background
RE: Diebold Voting Machine Contractor Has Criminal Background ----------------- Bulletin Message ----------------- From: Paul Joseph Watson Date: 10 Jan 2008, 17:21 Diebold Voting Machine Contractor Executive Has Criminal Background It has been revealed that a high ranking executive at the company that was contracted to program all of New Hampshire's Diebold voting machines has a criminal record and has previously defended the illegal act of "swapping out" memory cards for the machines during live elections. http://infowars.net/articles/january2008/100108LHS.htm

Re: Digg Caught Red-handed Censoring Ron Paul Stories
RE: Digg Caught Red-Handed Censoring Ron Paul Stories ----------------- Bulletin Message ----------------- From: Paul Joseph Watson Date: 17 Jan 2008, 13:57 Digg Caught Red-Handed Censoring Ron Paul StoriesThe self-proclaimed 'digital democracy' Digg.com has been caught red-handed artificially suppressing and censoring Ron Paul stories by expunging them from the website with just one bury, despite the fact that thousands of other Digg users are voting the stories up. http://www.prisonplanet.com/articles/january2008/011708_digg_caught.htm

Red Is My Fave :d
You Are Apple Red You're never one to take life too seriously, and because of it, you're a ton of fun. And although you have a great sense of humor, you are never superficial. Deep and caring, you do like to get to the core of people - to understand them well. However, any probing you do is light hearted and fun, sometimes causing people to misjudge you. What Color Red Are You?

Re: Did China Stage Tibetan "attack" On Wheelchair-bound Woman?
RE: Did China Stage Tibetan "Attack" On Wheelchair-Bound Woman? ----------------- Bulletin Message ----------------- From: Paul Joseph Watson Date: 14 Apr 2008, 18:48 Did China Stage Tibetan "Attack" On Wheelchair-Bound Woman? China has been caught using provocateurs to stage violence and blame it on Tibetan protesters after an image of the man who attacked a wheelchair-bound Olympic torch bearer in Paris was uncovered showing him marching alongside friends carrying the red flag of Communist China. http://www. prisonplanet. com/articles/april2008/041408_staged_attack. htm

Rediculous.
We all know the fu-game. You interact with people to earn points and ranks. Its hard... you need lots of points. The higher you get, the harder it is. You either choose to play the game... or simply be here for the socialization. In trying to help out MALE friends on my family list, more than once.... It simply AMAZES me how people are, here in fu-world. I help pimp them out, people want fu-bucks... until they hear they will be rating a male. Were you aware that rating another male makes you gay?! I did not know that!!! Rating, clicking a button... makes you less of a man?? Let me clue you bastards in on something. Your attitude alone makes you less of a "man". Do you go bragging to your friends, how much pussy you RATED on Fubar today???? I didnt think so. How in the hell does rating play any role in sexual orientation?? If you are THAT FUCKING INSECURE, immature, and homophobic. And are going to insult me after me telling you how to earn fu-bucks, then FUCK YOU!! Remove your

Rediscovering Heritage
For the past few months i have been slipping away from my native american heritage. I was ashamed of this so i have been rediscovering my heritage, i am 1/2 Cherokee indian and am once again am very proud of it. It took a vision the other night to bring me back into the native world, but it worked.

Rediscover Yourself
Have you ever given yourself to another? Has your world ever been the center of someone else? What if they were no longer there? What if you find that your life was more centered around them, then their centered around you? How do you remember the old you before they existed? Can you rediscover yourself for you again? Or do you have to create a new you?

Redistribute
Yesterday on my way to lunch at Doe's, I passed one of the homeless guys in that area, with a sign that read 'Vote Obama, I need the money.' Once in the Doe's my waiter had on a 'Obama 08' tee shirt. When the bill came, I decided not to tip the waiter and explained to him while he had given me exceptional service, that his tee shirt made me feel he obviously believes in Senator Obama's plan to redistribute the wealth. I told him I was going to redistribute his tip to someone that I deemed more in need--the homeless guy outside. He stood there in disbelief and angrily stormed away. I went outside, gave the homeless guy $3 and told him to thank the waiter inside, as I had decided he could use the money more. The homeless guy looked at me in disbelief but seemed grateful. As I got in my truck, I realized this rather unscientific redistribution experiment had left the homeless guy quite happy for the money he did not earn, but the waiter was pretty angry that I gave away the money h

Rediculous Pics?
I WAS GOING THROUGH SOME FOLDERS AND I NOTICE THAT PEOPLE DOWNLOAD SOME STUPID ASS PICS...LIKE NEW KIDS ON THE BLOCK..SHIT LIKE THAT. THEN WHEN YOU GET THERE AND RATE THE PIC WHAT I THINK THEY SHOULD BE RANKED (UH...zero) THEY GET ALL PISSY. SO DIG THIS SHIT...I DONT DNACE IF I DONT HEAR MUSIC...I DONT SCRATCH UNLESS I ITCH AND I REFUSE TO RATE A PIC A 10 FOR POINTS OR POPULARITY....

Rediculous
Okay everyone has noticed all these new changes to fubar supposedly its for the better i honestly think its getting a little outta hand i got up this morning and realized that the drink prices have sky rocketed it 950 fubucks for a 20% drink what the hell! i totaly understand that its just prtend money not a big deal but this site is supposed to be fun and here lately all i see is a bunch of gouging i have quit rating because it has just became a hassle and only comment those who comment me or thatse on my familys list. now fubar is draining my fubucks just to buy virtual gifts for my friends which would mean that if i want to keep buying for my friends i must rate to get the fubucks but it takes so long just to rate a hundred pics so idk if its worth it any more i have only been on this site sence it was cherry tap and everyone that i know thats been on here sence it was lost cherry thinks that it was better then. i must agree this site was once just for the fun and the connections an

Redirecting The Eruption
Redirecting the Eruption Lashing Out Intense emotions demand intense modes of expression. While there are many outlets for the feelings typically deemed positive, however, there are far fewer methods for constructively coping with anger, frustration, fear, sadness, or stress. Consequently, such feelings can cause us to believe that we are no longer in control of our emotional state. Backed into a mental corner, we may lash out at the first individual we encounter. Most of us will quickly discover that our misdirected outpouring of fury has not relieved the pressure of our pain. Powerful emotions are like the lava in a volcano poised to erupt—held in check with nothing but an eroding layer of calm. Within us lies the power to direct the flood of feeling that surges forth by channeling it into productive, artistic, or laborious pursuits. Retaking control of our emotions at their height can be difficult because our already negative feelings can convince us that others are deser

Redistribution Of Wealth
Redistribution of wealth-sounds like a good concept so why are so many opposed to it?...The sad truth is, some of it has to do to with greed. But, if you accept the premise that most people are good, there has to be another reason. I believe it is in the implementation of such a program. Undoubtably it would come in the form of higher taxes on the wealthy. The problem is taxes go to the government and the government is very much like the mafia. First a certain percentage would be skimmed off the top to line the pockets of the politicians. Then some would be steered into the politicians' pet projects. Then more would go to the special interest groups and campaign supporters of the politicians, ie-rich people like George Soros and union bosses like Richard Trumpka. In the end pennies on the dollar would go to the people who really need it. I'm sure the government would tell you that it would go to create jobs. But how has all the stimulus spending and a $15trillion dollar debt helped o

Red Is Earned
So as we all know the ranking game has been changed(destroyed) by the new requirement that people make the top 10 (“RED”)once to reach level 58. On the surface this is a reasonable idea but it has disrupted the current system of trades and buy ins that have driven the “ranking game” for some time. This change has also made those alliances and relationships, that we have spent countless to hours built, worthless. A long time ranking player made some astute, all be it unpopular observations, about what this will do and what we could to compensate for the new influx of part timers who will obviously disrupt the system and he was attacked for it. Now for he people who don't normally play the rank game this requirement seems unfair, making RED was an insurmountable task and expensive. It is supposed to be hard and expensive and to take a long time. That is how it is designed, to keep you spending money. (duh) These players who now want get in to the game for

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus – Face Down Lyrics
Hey girl, you know you drive me crazy. One look puts the rhythm in my hand. Still will never understand why you hang around. I see what's going down. Cover up with make-up in the mirror. Tell yourself it's never gonna happen again. You cry alone and then he swears he loves you. Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground? Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found. A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect every action in this world will bear a consequence If you wade around forever you will surely drown I see what's going down. I see the way you go and say your right again, say your right again heed my lecture Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground? Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end As your lies crumble down a new life she has found.

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
Face Down lyrics by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Hey girl you know you drive me crazy one look puts the rhythm in my hand. Still I'll never understand why you hang around I see what's going down. Cover up with make up in the mirror tell yourself it's never gonna happen again you cry alone and then he swears he loves you. Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground? Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end as your lies crumble down, a new life she has found. A pebble in the water makes a ripple effect every action in this world will bear a consequence If you wade around forever you will surely drown I see what's going down. I see the way you go and say your right again, say your right again heed my lecture Do you feel like a man when you push her around? Do you feel better now as she falls to the ground? Well I'll tell you my friend, one day this world's going to end as your lies

The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Your Guardian Angel
"Your Guardian Angel" When I see your smile Tears roll down my face I can't replace And now that I'm strong I have figured out How this world turns cold and it breaks through my soul And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one I will never let you fall (let you fall) I'll stand up with you forever I'll be there for you through it all (through it all) Even if saving you sends me to heaven It's okay. It's okay. It's okay. Seasons are changing And waves are crashing And stars are falling all for us Days grow longer and nights grow shorter I can show you I'll be the one I will never let you fall (let you fall) I'll stand up with you forever I'll be there for you through it all (through it all) Even if saving you sends me to heaven Cuz you're my, you're my, my, my true love, my whole heart Please don't throw that away Cuz I'm here for you Please don't walk away and Please tell me you'll stay woah, stay woah Use me as you will Pull my strings jus

Red Kisses
Your Kiss is Red You are intense about kissing but easily distracted. You kiss for attention, power, and passion. It doesn't take a lot for you to want to kiss someone. If you see a kissing opportunity, you always go for it! Kissing Type: Kissaholic (admit it!) People See Your Kisses as: Seductive You Kiss Best With: An Orange Kisser Stay away from: A Blue Kisser What Color Is Your Kiss?

★redkandy★ Has Auto 11s!
★RedKandy★ Will Have Her Very First Auto 11s Running Starting 8:00 AM Fu Time Saturday, January 31st! ~★RedKandy★~ End The Last Day of This Month Leveling Up On ★RedKandy★! ~★RedKandy★~ ★RedKandy★ Has Been A Very Bad Girl! Spank Her Hard!!! ~★RedKandy★~ Go Show ★RedKandy★ All That Fu Love!!! This Public Service Announcement Brought To You By: ღTulsa's Angelღ

★redkandy★ Has Auto 11s ~ Feb 25th!
★RedKandy★ Will Auto 11s Running Starting 3:00 PM Fu Time, 5:00 PM CST, Wednesday, February 25th! ~★RedKandy★~ Enjoy Hump Day Leveling Up On ★RedKandy★! ~★RedKandy★~ ★RedKandy★ Has Been A Very Bad Girl! Spank Her Hard!!! ~★RedKandy★~ Go Show ★RedKandy★ All That Fu Love!!! This Public Service Announcement Brought To You By: ღTulsa's Angelღ

Red Lines Of Desire . . .
Red lines of desire . . . Close your eyes baby feel my breath tempting and teasing your body your neck face Can you feel the beat of your heart quicken with anticipation the words I whisper in your ear as you lean closer waiting needing my embrace as I long for yours Just breathe baby as I take you in my arms holding your innocence and beauty inviting the devil within you to ravish me completely with fingernails against my spine digging my flesh red lines of desire Can you feel my passion pressing against you eagerly wanting to taste you take you fuck you I smell excitement in musty tones laced pheromone infusion you're a fuckin' animal I want you Kiss me now baby and don't hold back for I won't November 28, 2006 Ezequiel J. Flores Jr.

Red Lights
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could >barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an >intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. >The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I >could have sworn we drove thru it." >They >drove a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was >red, and again they went right through. >This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but >was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous >and decided to pay very close attention. >At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and >they blew right through it. >She turned to the other woman and said, " >Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? >You could have killed us!" > >> >Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shoot! Am I driving?" > >>

Red Light Fever
After having spent an hour earlier today recording a bass part that I ultimately decided not to use and now taking a short break after what is probably the 30th take of a simple guitar part that I can play in my sleep when the record button isn't clicked, I'm beginning to wonder if I've chosen the right avocation (and hopefully future vocation). I love writing the bloody things and I love it when they're done, it's just the getting from a to b that can be annoying.

Red-light District".
Glitter Text Maker Layout Codes BEST Sexy Graphics and Images I come home tonight to find a trail of red rose petals on the floor. I follow the trail wondering what's up. It leads to our bedroom. The door is closed. I open it to find the room filled with red light. The sheets on the bed are red. Everything is red! I see you lying in the middle of a bed of rose petals dressed in a very sexy little red teddy with very sexy red strappy heels on. You are posed like a pinup girl smiling deviously at me. I see the fiery passion in oyur eyes and know that this is going to be a very good night indeed. You bid me come over to you. you wrap your arms around my neck as you lay the hotest, wettest kiss upon my lips. The kind that will curl your toes. I moan as you kiss me. You pull me over onto the bed and roll over on top of me, as you whisper, "I've been waiting all day for you, Darling." You loosen my tie and begin to unbutton my shirt as you kiss my chest and run your hands across my chest.

Redlightcenter
If yoy enjoy this site you'll redlightcenter its myspace,expeeps,and fubar all in one but with a virtual experience. Total adult site with bars,strip clubs,dance clubs,roller rink just to much to list. Let's not forget virtual sex. Also great profiles the best place on the net for fun and fantasy. Plus its free... So sign up and I get you some good ratings... http://social.redlightcenter.com/?trq=5622

Red Light
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"

Red Light District
~*~Turn The Red Lights On Ladies!!~*~ Auction officially starts Friday, June 27th. But as soon as I have your pics and offer the bidding will start! So put on your Sexy Red Dresses, send me your offer and $50,000 fubuck entry fee and lets turn the Red Lights On!! Your Hostess: *Pink0828 ~*~Snatch My Panties*~*~Lovingly Owned By Keith67 ~*~Sarges Bad Girl~*~@ fubar

Red Light Special Own Me
HEY FU'S YA GURL IS IN A AUCTION SO COME CHECK ME OUT AND GET UR BID IN! CLICK THE PIC Mz.Dreams Offer: RATE ALL PICS 10'S IF VIP 11'S RATE STASH UP 800 ITEMS DAILY DRINKS DAILY COMMENT 1 BIG PIMPIN GIFT A WEEK YOUR LINK IN MY PROFILE WEEKLY PIMPOUT OWNED BY IN NAME ADD TO FAMILY #1 FRIEND FOR A MONTH (IF BIDS ARE OF CASH GIFTS) ADD TO YAHOO 2 SFW SALUTES 2 15MIN SFW PHONE CALLS 3TRICKED OUT PICS 1 VOICE PIC COMMENT 2 CUST. COMMENTS FOR YOU

Red Lobster Warning
Subject: WARNING; RED LOBSTER - PLEASE READ This is pretty serious. I don't know if you go to Red Lobster, but you may not want to after reading this. Warning about Red Lobster Restaurants This one sure took me by surprise. NO, I did NOT check this out with Snopes, but please, feel free to do so. WARNING ABOUT RED LOBSTER RESTAURANTS This is important and worth the time to read! Warning!! Be careful if you eat at RED LOBSTER RESTAURANTS A young women was having a meal at the restaurant and suddenly began to experience intense chest pains. Nothing her friends or the restaurant personnel did would relieve the pain. '911' was called and an ambulance was sent and the women was transported to a nearby hospital where doctors removed the women's blouse. As soon as this was done, emergency room personnel were able to properly diagnose the cause of the pain: AND YOU CAN GET CRABS

Red Lobster Resteraunt Beware
Warning about Red Lobster Restaurants This one sure took me by surprise. NO, I did NOT check this out with Snopes yet, but please, feel free to do so. WARNING ABOUT RED LOBSTER RESTAURANTS This is important and worth the time to read! Warning!! Be careful if you eat at RED LOBSTER RESTAURANTS A young women was having a meal at the restaurant and suddenly began to experience intense chest pains. Nothing her friends or the restaurant personnel did would relieve the pain. '911' was called and an ambulance was sent and the women was transported to a nearby hospital where doctors removed the women's blouse. As soon as this was done, emergency room personnel were able to properly diagnose the cause of the pain: ...............

Redlight Children
children trafficking is a serious problem we have all over the world. from cambodia to your own hometown, children are being sexually exploited. Little boys and girls, ranging from as young as 3 years old are being sold for sexual purposes. Instead of being nurtured in a safe environment, they are being handed down from one despicable shameless man to another. Beyond Law & Order, I did not know how major this problem is. But when I went to a fundraiser, I realized that the episodes I've been watching are not at all far from the truth. I heard reality through the words of a little girl and her unforgettable memories...being forced to go to a brothel, being scolded to clean her blood from her rapist, being scared because a gun was pointed to her head, being yelled at for taking too long with a 'customer.' you can't help but cry when listening to her speak and you can't help but get infuriated with disgust because these inhumane actions are actually real. Redlight ch

Redline...
(This blog was written after a very fun moment in my car. I love the descriptions in it. I also almost got a ticket.) There you are, sitting at that stop sign, redlight, whatever. It's a nice day outside, the windows are down, the music is up and it's a good song, with heavy bass and a good guitar riff. You've got your foot on the clutch and the brake, your hand is on the shifter, and suddenly you just feel it. The vibration of the engine touches you in that certian way, you know the road ahead really well. Your foot slips off the brake and hits gas pedal, and you can feel it in your bones. The rpm's jump up to a mere three thousand, but it makes that sound, the revving of the engine, and your heart skips a beat. You look left, and right, to be sure you are clear. Nothing is coming, and the decision has been made. You rev the engine up, it's hitting five thousand rpms and then you pop the clutch. The tires wail, they spin hard as the majority of the torque in your engine has just be

Red Lipstick Kisses And A Black Eye
My first wife used to cover me with red lipstick kisses before we made love. I must admit, it really turned me on. I would watch her applying it while standing in front of a mirror. After finishing, she would turn to me and begin kissing me all over my face and neck.One night we had a terrible argument after having too much to drink at a party. I'm embarrassed to admit it, but she had bruised my male ego. The party we had been at was both indoors and out. There was a bad mitten net in the backyard and we started playing. At first, we just volleyed back and forth, but then started a game. Some women started watching us and keeping score. The first game was close, but she pulled ahead toward the end and won 15 - 12, receiving a loud applause from the women spectators. During the second game, the women started really getting into the game, calling it a battle of sexes. When she won decisively (15 - 7), they cheered all the louder. I started to walk off the playing field, thinking we had p

Red Light Green Light
We were friends, we were lovers, we were friendsYou're hot, you're cold, you're warmYou come, you go, you linger aboutI'm showered with affectionThen ignored without intentionYou pull me close, you push me awayYou want me, you don't, but you won't sayOn bright days, you don't need meWhen the dark lonely days come aroundYou reach into the shadowsWhere you keep me hangingto feed from my soulNo MoreI'm cutting the chains with which you have bound meI am setting myself freeI can no longer be your crutchThere is nothing there for meMy best wishes go with youFor your peace, love and happinessAs I must now move alongTo find some of my own. Sorry but I'm closed. Poem By Tammy C.

Red Lip Stick
Red Lip Stick, She went to the mall and buys Red Lip Stick, Knowing her private thoughts . She has plains for him. She is getting ready for her lover. She put on deep Red Lip Stick on nice and slow, Thinking how her lips will be on his, kisses him deep and hard. With a full moon his eyes look in to hers . She kissed him with her Red Lip Stick deep red lip stick nice and slow She work way down to his neck and down his chest she pull his pants off lick the tip of his dick and kiss suck him off hearing him don't stop pushing her head down on him. He is getting harder and she can feel the cum O my God What a Red Lip Stick can do. bY Christine

Red Lols
Some people really amuse me greatly. The level of patheticness and obsession on this site is really sick. Here's the thing for those that haven't caught on yet.I dont CARE about being red. I'm working on my lifetime rank. If I end up red each week because of it, so be it. If I don't, oh well. I don't care. But I think it's been incredibly eye opening to see how many people have booted me since I started being red again, without having the balls to say shit to my face about taking me out. I have a life off of Fubar. I have bills to pay. I work with my mentally disabled adults 17-24 hour shifts and I don't make shit for pay for it but I love my job. I do NOT have the money to run 7-10 famps a week, along with another 7-10 boomies and rockstars and happy hours to get more attention. And I certainly do NOT have the time to sit around on the computer all day every day to ensure my rank is nice. When I do a PERM TRADE with someone; its a perm fucking trade. It's not a "hey you run 100 fam

Redman And Raekwon On Board For North American Rock The Bells Trek
New Jersey rapper Redman will join Wu-Tang Clan member Raekwon for the North American leg of the first-ever Rock The Bells world tour. The month-long event, which kicks off Nov. 21 in Washington D.C., will touch ground in more than 20 major markets in the United States and Canada, including New York, Boston, Chicago, Seattle, Vancouver and Los Angeles. Other performers include Keith Murray, Supernatural and special guest DJ Kool. Redman will perform songs off his long-awaited Def Jam album Red Gone Wild, which hits stores next March. For the full story log on: http://www.allhiphop.com/hiphopnews/?ID=6344

The Red Moon
shut your pretty eyes and sleep the night has closed in again away to a dream world so deep back once again to make amends so pretty is your face your body next to mine the past we shall erase as it becomes only you and I souls touching in the night feeling you so near just seems so right as you tremble again my dear Ill take back all the pain thats given I can remove the thoughts of shame ill return the love that you give in a room that has no blame

Redmex Family
Welcome I am RedMex ~THE Dark CHICANA Queen of The RedMex Family@ CherryTAP RedMex~Dark Queen of the RedMex Family We are currently seeking those of you who love the latin blood. You don't have to be latin, but you do have respect for Latinos from all over the world. No haters allowed No Fakers allowed All are welcome just jump right on in just add RedMex Family to your name And let me know so I can put you in the Family Album There is a flag to rip in my family album RedMex Family Album Thank you King of the RedMex Family physco2@ CherryTAP STOP BY AND INTRODUCE YOURSELF TO THESE BEAUTIFUL RedMex Family Members.....

Red Moon
{Red Moon} A clipped voice resonated from an excessivly large, and unessecarily expenisve computer touchcreen on an otherwise bare wall, displaying a image of a smartly-dressed female with brown hair tightly wound into a severe bun, and her red sports jacket complementing her cream blouse to an oddly excessive degree. Her voice was as manicured as her nails, and it spoke briefly, describing the incident which had, just ten minuetes ago finally come to an end in Southeastren Massachusets. And it ended in a way where the local police refused to comment. "The two criminals are believed to be part of the global organisation known as 'shadow-net', and supposedly operate under the aliases 'Hat Trick' and 'Silvertounge'. Both men are considered armed and dangerous." The volume slid down with an alarming rapidity, as the reporter's mouth moved silently, supposedly spouting further details of the incident. Sometimes it would be more efficent to simply say, "In furhter news, nothing

Red Marbles - A Story To Touch Your Heart
RED MARBLES During the waning years of the depression in a small south eastern Idaho community, I used to stop by Brother Miller's roadside stand for farm-fresh produce as the season made it available. Food and money were still extremely scarce and bartering was used, extensively. One particular day Brother Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Brother Miller and the ragged boy next to me. "Hello Barry, how are you today?" "H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure Look good." "They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?" "Fine. Gittin' stronger

Red Marbles
RED MARBLES I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me. "Hello Barry, how are you today?" "H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good." "They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?" "Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time." "Good. Anything I can help you with?" "No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas." "Would you like to take some home?" asked Mr. Miller. "No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with." "Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?" "All I got's my prize marble here." "Is that rig

Red Marbles
I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me. "Hello Barry, how are you today?" "H'lo, Mr.Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good." "They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?" "Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time." "Good. Anything I can help you with?" "No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas." "Would you like to take some home?" asked Mr. Miller. "No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with." "Well , what have you to trade me for some of those peas?" "All I got's my prize marble here." "Is that right? Let me see it" said Miller. "Here

Red Marbles!
I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me. "Hello Barry, how are you today?" "H'lo, Mr.Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good." "They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?" "Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time." "Good. Anything I can help you with?" "No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas." "Would you like to take some home?" asked Mr. Miller. "No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with." "Well , what have you to trade me for some of those peas?" "All I got's my prize marble here." "Is that right? Let me see it" said Miller. "Here 'tis. She's a dandy." "I ca

Red Marbles
RED MARBLES I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, Hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh Green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation Between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me. "Hello Barry, how are you today?" "H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure Look good." "They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?" "Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time." "Good. Anything I can help you with?" "No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas." "Would you like to take some home?" asked Mr. Miller. "No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with." "Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?" All I got's my prize marble here." "Is that right? Let me see it" said M

Red Marbles
RED MARBLES I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me. 'Hello Barry, how are you today?' 'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admir in' them peas. They sure look good.' 'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?' 'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.' 'Good. Anything I can help you with?' 'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.' 'Would you like to take some home?' asked Mr. Miller. 'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.' 'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?' 'All I got's my prize marble her

Red Marbles
RED MARBLES I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes, but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me. "Hello Barry, how are you today?" "H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good." "They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?" "Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time." "Good. Anything I can help you with?" "No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas." "Would you like take some home?" asked Mr. Miller. "No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with." "Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?" "All I got's my prize marble here." "Is that right? Let me s

Red Marbles
RED MARBLES I was at the corner grocery store buying some e arly potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me. 'Hello Barry, how are you today?' 'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good.' 'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?' 'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.' 'Good. Anything I can help you with?' 'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.' 'Would you like to take some home?' asked Mr. Miller. 'No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.' 'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?' 'All I got's my prize marble here.'

Red Marbles
Red Marbles I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprizing a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes, but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me. 'Hello Barry, how are you today?' 'H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good.' 'They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?' 'Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.' 'Good. Anything I can help you with?' 'No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.' 'Would you like take some home?' asked Mr. Miller. 'No, Sir . Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.' 'Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?' 'All I got's my prize marble here.' 'Is that

Red Marbles
-- Author Unknown -- A TRULY GREAT STORY During the waning years of the depression in a small Idaho community, I used to stop by Mr. Miller's roadside stand for farm fresh produce as the season made it available. Food and money were still extremely scarce and bartering was used extensively. One day Mr. Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller and the ragged boy next to me. "Hello Barry, how are you today?" "H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas ... sure look good." "They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?" "Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time." "Good. Anything I can help you with?" "No, Sir. Jus'

Red Marbles
I was at the corner grocery store buying some early potatoes.I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily apprizing a basket of freshly picked green peas.I paid for my potatoes, but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas.I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller (the store owner) and the ragged boy next to me."Hello Barry, how are you today?""H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas. They sure look good.""They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?""Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time.""Good. Anything I can help you with?""No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas.""Would you like to take some home?" asked Mr. Miller."No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with.""Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?""All I got's my prize marble here.""Is that right? Let me see it." said Miller."Here 'tis. She's a dandy.""I can see that. Hmmmmm, only t

Red Moon
Red Moon cover her heart in the night she loves him why why he loves her not Red Moon Red Moon covers her heart in the night she loves him why why he loves her not bY LoVe GiRL... this is for you lover ..... *() Darren Dobyns

Redneck Medical Terms...i Had To Blog This
REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS Benign......................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria...................Back door to cafeteria. Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan..................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize................Made eye contact with her. Colic.......................A sheep dog. Coma.......................A punctuation mark. D&C........................Where Washington is. Dilate......................To live long. Enema.....................Not a friend. Fester.....................Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................A small lie. G.I.Series................World Series of military baseball. Hangnail..................What you hang your coat on. Impotent.................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..............Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane. Morbid....................A higher offer than I bid.

Redneck Medical Terms
REDNECK MEDICAL TERMS Benign......................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria...................Back door to cafeteria. Barium.....................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section....A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan..................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize................Made eye contact with her. Colic.......................A sheep dog. Coma.......................A punctuation mark. D&C........................Where Washington is. Dilate......................To live long. Enema.....................Not a friend. Fester.....................Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................A small lie. G.I.Series................World Series of military baseball. Hangnail..................What you hang your coat on. Impotent.................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..............Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff.........A Doctor's cane. Morbid....................A higher offer than I bid.

Rednecks Getting Even
Subject: Rednecks Two rednecks from the hills of West Virginia were sitting around talking one afternoon. After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby,would that make us kin?" The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but it sure would make us even."

Rednecks Again
This will give you a good laugh. dm NEVER CHOKE IN A SOUTHERN RESTAURANT Two hillbillies Ed and Red walk into a bar. While having a shot of whiskey, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the hillbilly walks slowly back to the bar. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it!"

Redneck Jokes!! Great!!
A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their lives. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, what's at?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno. I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular number above the walls light up sequentially. They continue d to watch until it rea

Redneck Church
1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... the finance committee > >> > refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none > >> > of the members knows how to play one. > >> > > >> > 2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... people ask, when they > > learn > >> > that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, > >> > and > >> > what bait was used to catch 'em. > >> > > >> > 3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, > >> > "I'd > >> > like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two > > women > >> > stand up. > >> > > >> > 4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... opening day of deer > >> > season > >> > is recognized as an official church holiday. > >> > > >> > 5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if... a member of the church > >> > requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't > > never > >> > been in a hole it couldn't get out of". >

Redneck Moment
okkkkkkk...... so there I was, driving down the road here in virginia, listening to the radio, and we had a redneck moment that just well........ you be the judge. Song ends, DJ comes on, with a caller on the line and this is what I heard. " Heyyyyyyyyyy darlinnnnnnnnnnnn can you all play sumfing I aint ever hear on here?" DJ- *chuckles* Well like what? DR(dumb redneck) How aaaaaboutss sum maaaayyyyyyyyyydennnnnnnnnnnn (translation for the english speaking world, Iron Maiden) DJ- *chuckles* Ok sure, what song do you want to hear, I can play some Iron Maiden. DR- welllll shoottt honey I dun know nune of them names of them songs........how bous that one about playing with crazy people or soumthin I aint never hear that on here! DJ- * moment of silence then chuckle* Ummmmmm, do you mean "Can I play with madness" by Iron Maiden DR - innit that wut I jest sayid? *cue song* I was amused. and scared. and realized he's probably wearing a maaaaaayydennnn

The Redneck Lovin Way
The Italian says, "When I've finished a makina da love with ah ma wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her kness and she floats six inches above the bed in ecstacy." The Frenchman replies. "Zat is noting, when ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, ah kiss all ze way down her body and zen ah lick za soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats twelve inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy." The Redneck says, "That ain't nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder, wipe my weener on the curtains. She hits the freaking ceiling

Redneck Vasectomy
Redneck Vasectomy After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative, said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10." The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count... "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on

Redneck Jokes
Redneck Joke You Must Be A Redneck If * You recycle your own toilet paper * Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad * You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants. * You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate." * Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore." * The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire. * Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck. * You hunt from your bedroom window. * Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade. * You refrigerate your food stamps. * You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill. * You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween. * Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk. * You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives. * You go to y

Redneck Woman-gretchen Wilson
Redneck Woman (Gretchen Wilson/John Rich) Well, I aint never been the Barbie doll type. No, I can't swig that sweet champagne: I'd rather drink beer all night, In a tavern or in a honky tonk. I want a four-wheel drive tailgate. I've got posters on my wall of Skynrd, Kid and Strait. Some people look down on me, But I don't give a rip. I stand bare-footed in my own front yard, With a baby in on my hip. 'Cause I'm redneck woman, an' I aint no high class broad. I'm just a product of my raisin': I say: "Hey y'all" and "Yee Haw!" An' I keep my Christmas lights on on my front porch all year long. And I know all the words to every Charlie Daniels song. So here's to all my sisters, out there, keeping it country. Let me get a big "Hell, Yeah" from the redneck girls like me: Hell, Yeah. (Hell, Yeah.) "Victoria's Secret", well, their stuff's real nice. Oh, but I can buy the same damn thing, On a Wal-Mart shelf, half price. And still look sexy, (Sexy.) Just as sexy,

Redneck Logic
Two rednecks decided they weren't going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." said the first redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor. "That's real good!" said the redneck. The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house." Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife," continued the professor. "That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on. "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor. "You're absolutely right!" exclaimed the redneck. Why that's t

Redneck Jokes.........
You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." Your Jedi robe is camouflage. You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. Wookies are offended by your B.O. You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side ...it'll be a hoot." You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing

Redneck Tolit Paper
Two rednecks were on a long drive back from a fishing trip, when one turned to the other and said he needed to go to the bathroom. So, they stopped the truck and he went behind some bushes. When he returned to the truck, the other guy remarked, "That was fast!" "Well, I need to take a shit but I've got nothing to wipe my ass with," he replied. The other explained, "All you have to do is use a dollar to wipe your ass." "Good idea," he said, as he headed back to the bushes. A short while later, he returned to the truck with a really upset look on his face, and said, "That was a terrible idea. Not only did I get shit all over my hands, but now I've got four quarters stuck up my ass!"

Redneck Parachute Jump
Just before a new redneck had his first parachute jump, his sergeant reminded him, "Count to ten, then pull the first rip cord. If it snarls, pull the second rip cord for your auxiliary chute. After you land, our truck will pick you up." The paratrooper took a deep breath and jumped. He counted to ten and pulled the first cord. Nothing happened. He pulled the second cord. Again, nothing happened. As he plummeted to the ground, he said to himself, "I'll bet that truck won't be there either!"

100 Redneck Jokes
100 REDNECK JOKES - TOO FUNNY YOU MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF................ 1. YOU WEAR A DRESS THAT'S STRAPLESS WITH A BRA THAT ISN'T. 2. YOU ARE A MEMBER OF THE KKK AND CAN'T SPELL IT. 3. FARTING IN THE BATHTUB IS CONSIDERED A BUBBLE BATH. 4. YOU AND YOUR WIFE HAVE THE SAME HAIRCUT. 5. YOUR MOTHER DOESN'T TAKE THE MARLBORO FROM BETWEEN HER LIPS WHILE CUSSING OUT THE HIGHWAY PATROL. 6. YOUR PORCH COLLAPSES AND KILLS MORE THAN 3 DOGS. 7. THE JACK-O-LANTERN ON YOUR FRONT PORCH HAS MORE TEETH THAN YOU. 8. THE BIGGEST CITY YOU'VE EVER BEEN TO WAS WAL-MART. 9. IT TAKES 32 RELATIVES IN YOUR LIVING ROOM TO MAKE A FULL SET OF TEETH. 10. YOU ARE ACCUSED OF LYING THROUGH YOUR TOOTH. 11. YOU LET YOUR 12 YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER SMOKE POT INFRONT OF HER KID. 12. YOU SAW A SIGN THAT SAYS, "NO TO CRACK" AND IT REMINDED YOU TO PULL UP YOUR PANTS. 13. YOU TAKE YOUR PROM DATE TO THE WAFFLE HOUSE. 14. THE BLUEBOOK VALUE OF YOUR TRUCK CHANGES WITH THE AMOUNT OF GAS YOU

Redneck Medical Terminology
2006-11-13 22:1:50 Redneck Medical Terms A pubic hair is a type of wild rabbit. Asphalt describes rectal problems. A condom is a large apartment. Douche is the French word for "twelve. Genitals are people of non-Jewish descent. A diaphragm is a drawing in Geometry. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. An erection is when Japanese people vote. A dildo is a variety of the sweet pickle. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. The clitoris is a type of flower. Testacles are found on an octopus. Kotex is a radio station in Cincinatti. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. Benign..What you be after you be eight. Artery..The study of paintings. Bacteria..Back door to cafeteria. Barium..What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section..A neighborhood in Rome. CATscan..Searching for kitty. Cauterize..Made eye contact with her. Colic..A sheep dog. Coma..A punctuation mark.

Redneck Hurricane Survival Kit
Redneck Hurricane Survival Kit Sent to me by many readers, here is the Redneck Hurricane Survival Kit. Redneck Hurricane Survival Kit: Mustard.............................................check Cheetos..............................................check Toilet Paper........................................check Bud Light...........................................check Keystone Ice........................................check Budweiser..........................................check Red Dog.............................................check Misc. other bottles of alcohol......................check Sheet of plywood or door on which to float your booze (and chick)...................................check ( To insure that all segments of society receive Fair and Equal Opportunity Disaster-Preparedness Training, this checklist also appears in an easy-to-follow photographic format for the benefit of the less-than-literate):

Redneck Bugle Classified Ads:
FREE: Yorkshire Terrier. 8 years old. Hateful little dog bites. FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 neighbor's sneaky dog. FREE PUPPIES: Part German Shepard, part stupid dog. GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Male. Neutered. Speaks German. Free to good home. FOUND: Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Real dirty. Been outside awhile. Better be a reward. SNOW BLOWER for sale. Only used on snowy days. LIVESTOCK FOR SALE: Cows and calves, never bred. Also one gay bull for sale. FOR SALE: Nordic Track $300. Like new, hardly used, call Chubby. PRODUCE FOR SALE: Georgia peaches. Great taste! California grown. 89 cents/lb. FOR SALE: Nice parachute. Excellent condition. Never opened. Used only once. Joining nudist colony! Must sell Maytag washer and dryer. $300. OPEN HOUSE: Body Shapers Toning Salon this Saturday from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. Tryout our new equipment and look over our personal exercise plans! Free coffee and donuts. FOR SALE: One man/six woman

Redneck Gigolo
Poor little white trash. Say you got some extra cash. Why don’t you come and blow it all on me. i ain’t nothin’ but a smart ass drinkin’ from an empty glass. I’m as crazy as a tree. Whatcha hurry, Whatcha hurry? Don’t you worry baby you’ll never shed a tear for me. Don’t you worry baby I’m cold as a boy can be. i ain’t scared of a broken heart. i get bored with the easy part. Oh, heaven knows I’m a redneck gigolo. i think you and i should go down by the seaside and pick up all the dead things on the beach. Ain’t nothin’ but a washed up world and you ain’t nothn’ but a stupid girl and i think that’s they way life oughta be. Don’t you worry baby you’ll never she a tear for me. Don’t you worry baby I’m cold as a boy can be. i ain’t scared of a broken heart. i get bored with the easy part. Oh, heaven knows I’m a redneck gigolo. I’m stuck between the man Ii am and the fool I’ve been. Hey, what’s new. I’m lookin’ for a crazy bitch that ain’t afraid of a hickory sw

Redneck Letter
Dear Redneck Son; I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to g

~~redneck Time Out~~
After a recent tornado in oklahoma, this child was found hanging on the wall of a trailer at "Bubba's Park and Rest" RV park? Is this endangering the life of the child or protection so he doesn't rattle and roll?

Redneck Ghost Story!!!
REDNECK GHOST STORY A professor of paranormal phenomena at the University of Arkansas is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" About 90 students raise their hands. "Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?" About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raise their hands. "That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?" One student way in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has

A Redneck Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas in my redneck house; Junior was wringing the neck of a mouse. My .357 sat right on my lap Just waiting for Santa, to take all his crap. The young'uns were restless and watching in shifts To see if he'd come and I'd shanghai some gifts, When out from the yard came a godawful noise O could it be him with a shitload of toys? I jumped from my chair and my crotch screamed in pain I caught my left nut on my wallet's big chain But then I unwrapped it and flew out the door Yelling, "Hold it right there, you old son of a whore!" "Hands in the air and kick over that sack, And then real slowly move 20 feet back." He did as I told him, fat, stupid old elf; I laughed so damn hard I near pissed on myself. I grabbed his big bag with a hearty guffaw Then I dragged it inside after spitting some chaw. I heard him take off - in a second he split, Leaving my yard heaped with fresh reindeer shit. Back in my chair I let out such a yelp That the

Rednecks
Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" "Yes. What can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!" "Happy Birthday, buddy!" (Rednecks know how to git-R-dun)...:.)...

Redneck Valentine (just As Good For Christmas!)
This could do is equally as well for Christmas! Redneck Valentine Poem Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants

A Red Neck Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the trailer Not a creature was stirrin' 'cept a redneck named Taylor. His first name was Bubba, Joe was his middle, And a-runnin' down his chin was a trickle of spittle. His socks, they were hung by the chimney with care, And therefore there was a foul stench in the air. That Bubba got scared and rousted the boys. There was Rufus, 12 Jim Bob was 11 Dud goin' on 10 Otis was 7. John, George and Chucky Were 5,4, and 3: The twins were both girls so they let them be. They jumped in their overalls, no need for a shirt, Threw a hat on each head, then turned with a jerk. They ran to the gun rack that hung on the wall. There were 17 shotguns they grabbed them all. Bubba said to the young'uns, "now hesh up ya'll! The last thing we wanna do is wake up yer Maw." Maw was expecting and needed her sleep, So out they crept out the door without making a peep. They all looked around, and then they all spit. The y

Rednecks Git -r -dun
"MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD" "Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" "Yes. What can I do for you?" "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep!" "Happy Birthday, buddy!" (Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

Redneck Pickup Lines
1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away. 2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special. 3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them. 6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole. 7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Red Neck Pickup Lines
REDNECK PICK-UP LINES 1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away. 2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special. 3) My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them. 6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole. 7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy; can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I th

Redneck Christmas
It was the night before Christmas, when all through the trailer park Not a pop-top was poppin', not even Ole Blue barked. Our stockin's was hung over the space heater with care, In hopes Santy would fill 'em with Viennas and beer. The kids was alseep in their NASCAR pj's, Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters, Moon pies, and RC's. And Earlene in her curlers and me in my John Deere cap Had just settled into our La-Z-Boys for Wheel of Fourtune and a nap. Then out in the vacent lot I heard such a commotion I thought it was neighbor Clyde, finally got his T'bird in motion. I heaved out of my recliner and to the window I flew, Busted out the screen and hollered for Blue. The moon was shinin' down on my old wrecked cars So bright they was sparklin' like rusty old stars. And I couldn't believe my own hardworking eyes When a jacked up Ford pickup come flyin' through the sky! Faster'n Ole Ironhead hs possums they came And he whooped and hollered and called 'em b

Redneck Man's Pick Up Lines
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you in I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think

Redneck
REDNECK - LAMB OF GOD So goddamn easy to write this, You make it spill off the page. So drunk on yourself, self-righteous, A laughing stock of your own fucking sage. But I ain't one of those names, Or throw stones in a house of glass. You try me. This is a motherfucking invitation The only one you could ever need. This is a motherfucking invitation. You try me. Just one time you got a reason, Heard you had nothing to lose. A pied preacher for the pin-eyed congregation, It must be easy to lose. But I ain't one of those names, Or throw stones in a house of glass. You try me. This is a motherfucking invitation The only one you could ever need. This is a motherfucking invitation. You try me. You can tell the same lie a thousand times, But it never gets anymore true, So close your eyes once more and once more believe That they all still believe in you. This is a motherfucking invitation The only one you could ever need. This is a motherfucking invi

Redneck Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb," (fireworks are legal in Alabama) "light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10." The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counti

Redneck Firefighters
Redneck Firefighters You might be on a redneck fire department if... Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene. You have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper. Your firehouse has wheels. You've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse. Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire gettin' drunk. You've ever been toned out on an outhouse fire. That outhouse fire was with entrapment. You've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground. At least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it's January. Your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it. You don't own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky. You've ever walked through a christmas display and c

Redneck Man Pickup Line's
Redneck Man's pick up lines 1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are your parents retarded? cuz you sure are special. 3) My Love for you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in your pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in your hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If your gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of i

Redneck Computer Repair!
This is So Not me!!! LMAO Now its not very nice to pick on me!!! lol Ways to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer 10. The monitor is up on blocks. 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is "Bubba". 4. The CPU has a gun rack mount. 3. There is a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive. 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. And, The Number One Way To Tell If A Redneck Has Been Working On A Computer... The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Red Neck Church
"Redneck Church" You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... people ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... when the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday. You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... a member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." (Love it!) You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... the choir is known as the "OK Chorale". You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... in a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory. (Must be in Kentucky) You Know Your Church Is A Redneck Church if... Baptism

Redneck Pick Up Lines
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, e

Redneck Sub
If you have ever gone to a play party in curlers and a kerchief, you just might be a redneck sub. If you count your spankings "1...2...3...the next number...the next number...the next number...", you just might be a redneck sub. If your safeword is "cut it out or I'm tellin' Ma", you might just be redneck sub. If you know what your Mistress expects from you by the way she belches, you just might be a redneck sub. If your master tells you to fix him a steak, and you start by loading the shotgun, you just might be a redneck sub. If fulfilling your master's every whim means picking up a 12-pack and changing the TV channels for him, you might just be a redneck sub. If you have ever been bound and gagged in the bed of a rusty pick up truck,you just might be a redneck sub. If you have ever tried to brighten the dungeon decor with a pair of pink flamigos, you just might be a redneck sub. If you have ever had to use your safeword in order to spit tobacco juice,

Redneck Clues
You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter. You've ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil. You think the Bud Bowl is real. Your dog goes "oink!" You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive. Your mailbox is made out of old auto parts. You know how to milk a goat. Your kids have a three-day old Kool-Aid mustache. Your TV gets 512 channels, but you go outside to use the bathroom. You've ever stood outside a bathroom and heckled someone inside. Turning on your lights involves pulling a string. You have a refrigerator just for beer. You come back from the dump with more than you took. Your wife owns a camouflage nightie. You've ever worn cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts. You don't think baseball players spit and scratch too much. You think the Styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree to relieve yourselves. The most common ph

Redneck Love Poem
This is being passed around on our bulletins right now. It is not clear who wrote this, but they were certainly very clever with their analogies and quite humorous, albet the recipient of the poem may not be quite so pleased to have the "gift". LOL.... enjoy!!! ************************************************* Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to d

Redneck Llove Poem
Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life

Redneck Love Poem
Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life

Redneck Pick-up Lines
1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away. 2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special. 3) My Love for you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them. 6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole. 7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty Is only a light switch away. 8) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock. 9) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 10) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 11) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

Red Neck Pick Up Lines
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Redneck Mens Pick Up Lines
Redneck Man's pick up lines > > > >1) Did you fart? > > > >cuz you blew me away. > > > > > >2) Are yer parents retarded? > > > >cuz ya sure are special. > > > > > >3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea > > > >I can't hold it in. > > > > > >4) Do you have a library card? > > > >cuz I'd like to sign you out. > > > > > >5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? > > > >cuz I can see myself in em. > > > > > >6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, > > > >I'd store my nuts in yer hole. > > > > > >7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, > > > >but beauty's only a light switch away. > > > > > >8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" > >Woman - "WHAT?" > >Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." > > > > > >9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, > > > >but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. > > > > > >10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? > > > >I think he went inta this cheap motel room. > > > > > >11) Yer eyes are as blue

The Redneck Letter
Dear Redneck Son; I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be to heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two ho

A Redneck Poem (lmao For All Of My Cowgirls/boys Of Ct To Enjoy!)
Thanks for the memory: Of things I can’t forget, our kids with cigarettes, Sleeping on mattress that are wet, and having no regrets. How red is my neck.! Oh, thanks for the memory: How I looked at you with pride, all rumors aside, No one was buzzin’ that you were my cousin, How happy we were. Oh, thanks for the memory: Eloping with daddy’s pick up, hitting a garbage truck, And here we were stuck, covered with muck. Wasn’t that our luck! And thanks for the memory: Of road kill on the table, shoeing flies when able. Loving that Jack Daniels lable, feeling so unstable. How happy we were. And thanks for the memory: Of the trip to the county fair, pitching cow chips with a flair. Eating hot chili on a dare, puking on your hair. Weren’t we a pair! Oh, thanks for the memory: Of travels to the zoo, of monkeys oogling you. Of birds that swoop, and the smell of animal poop. We’re part of that group. Yes, thanks for the memory: I’ll remember th

The Redneck
A redneck walks into a pharmacy. He walkt about to the counter and says to the clerk, " Aigh wanna buy a condom". The clerk says. " Ok they are 50 cents apiece or you can get 3 for a dollar". The redneck says. " Aigh reckon Aigh be taking the 3 fo a dalla". The clerk says, " Ok that will be a dollar and 7 cents". The redneck says." Whats the 7 cent fo?". The clerk says. 'Thats for the tax". The redneck says. " I wondered how ya keep them thangs from fallin off".

Redneck Man's Pick Up Lines!
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

Redneck To A (tea)
Red neck pick up lines 1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can ' t hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I ' d like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you in I were Squirrels, I ' d store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty ' s only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I ' m not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can ' t find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wren

Redneck Romance
Darlin', ah love yer hair, th' way it stan's in th' machine oil of mah car maintenance yard, cuss it all t' tarnation. Love th' rose petals of auty grease, spreadin' on yer sensual curves. Smell th' aromatic scent of gas fooms permeatin' th' smell of yer leather moosk. Shet mah mouth! Enjoy throttlin' yer gears, as we ride th' hardtop in a sensual moment of speed, cuss it all t' tarnation. '67 Co'vette, marry up wif me English Translation Darling, I love your hair, the way it stands in the machine oil of my car maintenance yard. Love the rose petals of auto grease, spreading on your sensual curves. Smell the aromatic scent of gas fumes permeating the smell of your leather musk. Enjoy throttling your gears, as we ride the hardtop in a sensual moment of speed. '67 Corvette, marry me.

Redneck Sex Test
1. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False 2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False 3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False 5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False 6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False 7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False 8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False 9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False 10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False 11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False 12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False 13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False 14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False 15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute. True or False 16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False 17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False

Redneck Revenge
Thank you to those in the southern states who love the NRA. Southern revenge Va. gun shops plan 'Bloomberg' raffle BY MICHAEL SAUL DAILY NEWS CITY HALL BUREAU CHIEF WASHINGTON - Two Virginia gun stores are offering customers a "Bloomberg Gun GiveAway" in a redneck's revenge for the mayor's campaign against them. Gun nuts get a raffle ticket for every $100 they spend at the shops, which will pick the lucky winner of a new weapon in a March drawing. The dealers called the contest payback for a lawsuit Bloomberg filed against four stores in the state alleging they illegally sold guns to undercover investigators. One of the stores settled and another closed. But two are fighting back with the help of the Virginia Citizens Defense League. "We are as legal as anyone can be," said Dave Hancock, coordinating manager for Bob Moates Sports Shop in Midlothian, which is hosting the raffle with Old Dominion Gun and Tackle in Danville. "We joked about filing a s

Redneck At The Bar;-)
A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too. The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too. The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too. As Jesus got up to leave, he w

A Redneck Guys Pickup Lines
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up. '

Red Neck Dictionary
Some Beach": Son of a B***H ( that stupid somebeach hit my car). "Jasker": Did you ask her ( Jasker if we can go swimming) "Swaller": Swallow ( Did ya swaller yur food?) "yur": (Did ya swaller yur food?) "Bettah": Better ( You bettah come back ya here) "unkel":Uncle ( Did you see Unkel tom?) "Lawd": Lord ( God lawd im tired!!!) "ahmagit'n": im getting (ahmagit'n sick of hearing you talk) "cayut": cat( Get your cayut out my yard!!) "anar": An hour( It took me anar to get dressed) "braht": bright ( you aint very braht!) "rat hear" right here( if you want a cookie its rat hear!!) "up ta":up too ( what are u up ta?) "Hongry" : hungry ( im hongry) "eench":inch ( thats about an eench of rain) "yup": You up? ( yup yet?) "preciate" : Appreciate( You dont preciate me no more) "nanner" : Bannana " ( Monkeys eat nanners) "mater" : Tomato( Do you like mater sammages?) "Hawt": Hot( Dang Bo that pot was hawt!!!) "likker": liquor( Do you got

Redneck Mens Pick Up Lines
1) Did you fart? 'cause you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? 'cause you sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? 'cause I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? 'cause I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy; can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

Redneck Friends
Redneck Friends Body: FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs Redneck FRIENDS: Call your parents drunk as hell and tell them about the fat chick you tried to pick up -------------------------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home. Redneck FRIENDS: Know some wild shit will happen, and set up rally points and an E & E route. --------------------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong. Redneck FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...we fucked up...but hey, that shit was fun " ------------------------------------------------------ FRIENDS: Cry with you. Redneck FRIENDS: laugh at you and tell you to put some vagasil on your vagina. --------------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back. Redneck FRIENDS: Steal each

Redneck Pick-up Lines
Redneck Man's pick up lines 1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up

Redneck Social Etiquette
1. Never take a beer to an interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you're included in the will, it's rude to drive a U-haul to the funeral. Dining Out 1. When decanting the wine from the box, make sure you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to 'bruise' the fruit of the wine. 2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands. Entertaining in Your Home 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are. Personal Hygiene 1 While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this job should be done in private using one's own truck keys. 2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of money. 3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay

Redneck Friends (from Bullitin)
subject:Redneck Friends(repost) Hell YEAH!!! YEHAW!!! date: 2007-02-08 12:25:22 FRIENDS: Tell you not to do something stupid when drunk Redneck FRIENDS: Will post 360 degree security so you dont get caught --------------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs Redneck FRIENDS: Call your parents drunk as hell and tell them about the fat chick you tried to pick up -------------------------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home. Redneck FRIENDS: Know some wild shit will happen, and set up rally points and an E & E route. --------------------------------------------------------------- FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong. Redneck FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, Damn...we fucked up...but hey, that shit was fun " ------------------------------------------------------ FRIENDS

Redneck Valentines Poem
Collards is green my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have som'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you s

Redneck Valentines Love Poem
RED-NECK VALENTINE'S LOVE POEM Collards is green, and my dog's name is Blue. I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have som'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants

A Redneck Valentine
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY TO ALL MY REDNECKS OUT THERE. > Subject: Redneck Valentine Love Poem from a man to a woman. > > > Collards is green > my dog's name is Blue > and I'm so lucky > to have a sweet thang like you. > > Yore hair is like cornsilk > a-flapping in the breeze > Softer than Blue's > and without all them fleas. > > You move like the bass, > which excite me in May. > You ain't got no scales > but I luv you anyway. > > Yo're as satisfy'n as okry > jist a-fry'n in the pan. > Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" > right out of the can. > > You have som'a yore teeth, > for which I am proud; > I hold my head high > when we're in a crowd. > > On special occasions, > when you shave under yore arms, > well, I'm in hawg heaven, > and awed by yore charms. > > Still them fellers at work, > they all want to know, > what I did to deserve > such a purdy, young doe. > > Like a good roll of duct tape > yo're there fer yore man, >

Redneck Valentine
Redneck Valentine Collards is green my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have som'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a pla

Red Neck Pick Up Lines!!
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Redneck Valentines Day Poem
ok, i know that valentines day is over, but my friend sent me this and i just had to share it with everyone. Red-Neck Valentine's Love Poem Collards is green my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have som'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a

The Redneck Challenge
We are tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam: 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? (A) '65 Ford Fairlane (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO. 3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product? 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down? 5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. T

Red Neck Letter
Dear Billy Joe Bob, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and you

The Redneck Exorcism
You can call me Kooky. I have had that name since I was a young man. I always was doing crazy things. Still am. I live up to my name. A few years ago, my reputation got me put inside the local nuthouse, Hotel Nuts. I performed a Redneck Exorcism on an evil boss. He was possessed by the devil and I decided to save his soul by performing a Redneck Exorcism on him. My co-workers were confused and thought I was trying to choke the life out of the evil boss. Naw... That's the way I perform a Redneck Exorcism. I was trying to choke the devil out of him! The boss was okay. But he was still evil. He fired me and had me arrested.

Redneck Thoughts
We have enjoyed redneck jokes for years, but it's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorist threatening my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up, with tire irons, squirrel guns, and grit -- You might be a redneck if. . .. It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God ... " ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You've never protested about seeing the Ten Commandments posted in public places. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You bow your head when someone prays. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You treat American Veterans with great respect, and always have. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You've never burned an American flag.

Redneck Love Poem
Redneck Love Poem Kudzu is green, My dog’s name is Blue And I’m so lucky, To have a sweet thang like you. Your hair is like cornsilk, A-flappin’ in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s And without all them fleas. You move like a bass, Which excites me in May. You ain’t got no scales, But I luv you anyway. You have all your teeth, For which I am proud; I hold my head high When we’re in a crowd. Still them fellers at work, They all want to know, What I did to deserve, Such a purty, young doe. Like a good roll of duck tape, Yo’re there for your man, To patch up life’s troubles, And stick’em in the can. Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler, Racin’ through the mud, Yet fragile as that singer, Named Naomi Judd. When you hold me real tight, Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack. Yore complexion, it’s perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin’. Despite all the years, Yore age keeps on hidin’. And when you get old, Like a ’

Redneck Letter
Dearest Redneck Son, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your fathe

~ Redneck ? ~
We have enjoyed all the redneck jokes for years. It's time to take a reflective look at the core beliefs of a culture that values their home, family, country and God. If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit -- that's what rednecks are made of. I hope I am one of those. If you feel the same, pass this on to your redneck friends. Ya'll know who ya' are... You might be a redneck if: It never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, "One nation, under God." You might be a redneck if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places. You might be a redneck if: You still say "Christmas" instead of "Winter Festival." You might be a redneck if: You bow your head when someone prays. You might be a redneck if: You stand and place your hand over your heart

Redneck Vasectomy
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough little hillbillies, as they could not afford a larger bed. The husband went to his veterinarian (of course) and told him that he and his cousin-wife didn't want to have any more children and asked what could be done. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it was expensive. "A less costly alternative is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10." The Alabaman said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can and holding it next to my ear and counting to 10 is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can to his ear and began to count... "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, p

Redneck Poetry
The National Poetry Contest had come down to two, a Yale graduate and a redneck from Texas. They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was “Timbuktu.” First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked a lonely caravan; Men on camels, two by two Destination Timbuktu. The crowd went crazy! No way could the redneck top that, they thought. The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited: Me and Tim a huntin’ went. Met three whores in a pop up tent. They was three, and we was two, So I bucked one, and Timbuktu

Redneck Medical Terms
Redneck medical terms Artery......................The study of paintings. Benign......................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria. Barium......................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan.....................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her. Colic.......................A sheep dog. Coma........................A punctuation mark. D&C.........................Where Washington is. Dilate......................To live long. Enema.......................Not a friend. Fester......................Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................A small lie. Genital.....................Non-Jewish person. G.I.Series..................World Series of military baseball. Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on. Impotent....................Distinguished, well known. La

Redneck Pickup Lines (ebaum's World)
1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away. 2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special. 3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them. 6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole. 7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. 13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Redneck Driver's Application
A driving application Redneck Driver's Application Plez compleet this paper, best ya can. Last name: ________________ First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: [_]M [_]F [_]None Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________ Lover's Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children livi

Redneck Pickup Lines
Redneck pick up lines >1) Did you fart? -- cuz you blew me away. > >2) Are yer parents retarded? -- cuz ya sure are special. > >3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. -- I can't hold it in. > >4) Do you have a library card? -- cuz I'd like to sign you out. > >5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? -- cuz I can see myself in em. > >6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, -- I'd store my nuts in yer >hole. > >7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, -- but beauty's only a light >switch away. > >8) Fat Penguin! -- I just wanted to say something that would break the ice. > >9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, -- but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. > >10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? -- I think he went >inta this cheap motel room. > >11) Yer eyes are as blue as winder cleaner. > >12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, -- we kin sleep til afternoon. > >*** and .... the best for last! *** > >13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, --

Redneck Name
My Secrets SurveyTake This Survey at Quizopolis.comWhat's in your wallet?nothingWhat's under your bed?gunsWhat's on that way top shelf or in the very far back of your closet?Christmas angelWhat's in your underware drawer?socksWhat's in the trunk of your car?recyclablesWhat's in your desk or locker?

Redneck P/u Lines
Redneck Pick Up Lines 1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you in I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. (works bunch betr'n "as brown as the skid mark in my shorts!") 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face works me over better than an open end wrench, every time I

Redneck Iqtest
The redneck sexual IQ test A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir. True or False A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False An erection

Redneck Medical Terms
Benign - What you be, after you be eight. Artery - The study of paintings Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria Barium - what doctors do when patients die Cesarean section - a neighborhood in Rome Cat scan - searching for kitty Cauterize - made eye contact with her Colic - a sheep dog coma- a punctuation mark D & C - Where Washington is Dilate - to live long Enema - Not a friend Fester - quicker than someone else Fibula - a small lie Genital - a non-Jewish person GI series - world series of military baseball Hangnail - what you hang your coat on Impotent - distinguished, well-known Labor pain - getting hurt at work medical staff - a doctor's cane Morbid - a higher offer Nitrates - cheaper than day rates Node - I knew it Outpatient - a person who has fainted Pap Smear - A fatherhood test Pelvis - second cousin to Elvis Post Operative - a letter carrier Recovery room - place to do upholstery Rectum - darn near killed him Secretion - hiding something Seizure - a

Redneck Charge Of The Goodess
Redneck Pagan Charge of the Goddess (Tune: The Beverly Hillbillies by E.Scruggs) (Lyrical adaptation by Hare) Now listen to the words of the Great Star Mother, In days long past called by one name or tuther, "I am your Mammy, Queen of Earth, Air, Fire, Sea, So you better quit your yappin' an' listen to me." (Isis, that is...Astarte...Cerridwen) "When the Moon is full, bright as a silver dollar, Open up yer winder an give your Mam a hollar. I'll hear you callin, jest as clear as a bell, An I'll come a runnin an visit fer a spell." (Circle, that is...Esbat...Draw down the Moon) "Now y'all listen up, 'cause I'd hate to be a bitch, When we have our shindigs t'aint none should wear a stitch. Y'all will eat an' drink an' dance an' love, to show that you're free, 'Cause all acts of pleasure are sacred to me." (Skyclad, that is...Great Rite...Cakes an' Wine) "If you wanna know my secrets, then look in your own hide, 'Cause if what you seek ain't there, well, it won't

Redneck Pickup Lines!!
Redneck Man's pick up lines 1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT? Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone but I bet I can make yer " bed-rock." 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin,we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my

Redneck Men's Pick Up Lines
Redneck Man's pick up lines. 1) Did you fart?cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ... I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you in I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT? Man - "I just wanted to say something that wouldbreak the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him I think he went into this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up. Sometimes we need to step back, and just have a laugh o

Redneck Man's Pickup Lines
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you in I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts inyer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Redneck Proud
Understanding Redneck Philosophy By- Donald K. Burleson The term "redneck" is often misunderstood by those north of the Mason-Dixon line. Many Yankees misunderstand this beloved term of endearment and treat the word as if it were some kind of insult. A true Southerner understands that achieving the state of Redneck is a noble pursuit. The guiding principles of Redneck philosophy are easily misunderstood by outsiders, so let's take a closer look at the goals of those who strive for the state of Redneck. Also, see my related notes on red neck art collecting and Redneck Cuisine ideas. The Redneck Philosophy Being a "real" Redneck is so much more than driving a pick-up truck and naming your dog Bubba. A true Redneck does not feel the need to impress people with the outward trappings of superficial wealth and a real Redneck is perfectly comfortable in an Armani suit or a stained t-shirt. Redneck art is now being sold in the top galleries, and make sure to read by note

Redneck Birthday
"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?" >> >> "Yes, what can I do for you?" >> >> "I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin' >> marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside >> them >> logs, >> >> but he's hidin' it there." >> >> "Thank you very much for the call, sir." >> >> The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They >> search >> the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every >> piece of >> wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave. >> >> Shortly after this, the phone rings at Virgil's house. >> >> "Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did th e Sheriff come?" >> >> "Yeah!" >> >> "Did they chop your firewood?" >> >> "Yep!" >> >> "Happy Birthday, buddy!" >> >> Rednecks know how to Git-R-Dun!

Redneck Charge Of The Goddess
Tee Hee I just love this ..... (Tune: The Beverly Hillbillies by E. Scruggs) (Lyrical adaption by Hare) Now listen to the words of the Great Star Mother, In days long past called by one name or tuther, "I am your Mammy, Queen of Earth, Air, Fire, Sea, So you better quit your yappin' an' listen to me." (Isis that is, Astarte, Cerridwen) "Now y'all listen up, 'cause I'd hate to be a bitch, When we have our shindigs t'aint none should wear a stitch. Y'all will eat an' drink an' dance an' love, to show that you're free, 'Cause all acts of pleasure are sacred to me." (Skyclad that is, Great Rite, Cakes an' Wine) "If you wanna know my secrets, then look in your own hide, 'Cause if what you seek aint there, well, it won't be found outside. The greatest Mysteries t'aint really dread nor dire, I'm with you at the start, and at the end of desire." (That's right, listen to your heart. Y'all will come back now, y'hear?)

Redneck Astrological Signs
Okra December 22 - January 20 Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies. Chitlin January 21 - February 19 Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around. Boll Weevil February 20 - March 20 You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it. M

Red Neck Easter Egg Hunt
Well today I learnt how to go on a Red Neck Easter Egg hunt. Essential Equipment: 1 High Powered Rifle 1 Quality Rifle Scope Lots of ammunition (preferably same caliber as rifl) Easter Eggs - Plastic - fillable, normally with candy for kids. Tannerite - a binary explosive Mthod: Mix Tannerite CAREFULLY Fill Easter Eggs Find a Fluffy Toy, (Barney is ideal) Stuff Egg up butt end of Barney Save a couple of eggs and place in cleft in tree stump Retire about 30+ yards Load rifle, sight scope and pull trigger Roll on floor laughing uncontrollaby as barney totally disintegrates, parts appearing in tree tops some 25 ft up, others spread over a radius of around 25 yards. Say Shiiiiiiiiit!!!!!!! as you look at the foot thick rock that Barney sat on and marvel at how it is now pebbles and dust. Repeat above steps for remaining Tannerite eggs. Yes, I must admit, best Easter Egg Hunt I have ever been on, these Rednecks certainly know how to have

Rednecks...
> >Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff > > > >Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone > tower-Cooter, Pete, and K.C. > > > >As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off > the tower and is killed > >instantly. > > > >As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, > "Well, heck, someone > >should go and tell his wife." > > > >K.C. says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive > stuff, I'll do it." > > > >Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of > Budweiser. > > > >Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, K.C.?" > > > >"Cooter's wife gave it to me," K.C. replies. > > > >"That's inbelievable, you told the lady her husband > was dead and she gave > >you beer?" > > > >"Well, not exactly," K.C. says. "When she answered > the door, I said to her, > >You must be Cooter's widow." > > > >She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a > widow."...then I said "I'll bet > >you a case of beer you are." > > > >Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff!!!

The Red Neck Mafia
To all my freinds and fans you know me as headhunter .Over the passed few days i have met alot of great people . so if anyone of who are true red necks or just are real down to earth laid back have a beer go fishing ,or cook out with freinds . like jeff foxxworthy sayas you mite be a redneck .and theirs nothing wrong with that .so join the famliy see where we can take this thing . we have 3 people right now so let me know. REDNECK MAFIA

Redneck Pick Up Lines
> >Redneck pick up lines > >1) Did you fart? >cuz you blew me away. > >2) Are yer parents retarded? >cuz ya sure are special. > >3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . >I can't hold it in. > >4) Do you have a library card? >cuz I'd like to sign you out. > >5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? >cuz I can see myself in em. > >6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, >I'd store my nuts in yer hole. > >7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, >but beauty's only a light switch away. > >8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" >Woman - "WHAT?" >Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." > >9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, >but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. > >10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? >I think he went inta this cheap motel room. > >11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. > >12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, >we kin sleep til afternoon. > >and.... the best for last! > >13) Yer face reminds me of a w

Redneck Book-a-manners
Some old, some new. 'Redneck Book a Manners' General Tips 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. Dinin’ Out 1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. 2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor, as the restaurant may not have dogs. 3. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. Entertainin’ In Yer Home 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table - no matter how good his manners are. Personal Hygiene 1. While ears need to be cleaned

Redneck Computer Terms
Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods. Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern. Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick. Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro. Cache - Needed when you go to da store. Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name. Terminal - Time to call da undertaker. Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited. Digital - The art of counting on your fingers. Diskette - A female Disco dancer. Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking. Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos. Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair. Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food. Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers. Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall. Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live. Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line. Onli

Redneck Love Poem
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE; SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE. SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO. PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER. SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE, AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL, BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL. YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YA MOTHER, BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO' I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER. BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD. JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE. YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY......

Rednecks
Subject: More Red-neck News > A North Carolina redneck passed > > away and left his entire estate in > > trust for his beloved widow. > > However, she can't touch it > > until she turns 14. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > Folks in Georgia now go to > > some movies in groups of > > 18 or more. They were > > told 17 and under are not > > admitted. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > The minimum drinking age in > > Tennessee has been raised to > > 32. It seems they want to keep > > alcohol out of the high schools. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > In Mississippi , reruns of "Hee Haw" > > are called documentaries. > > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ > > How can you tell if a West Virginia > > redneck is married? There's dried > > tobacco spit on both sides of his > > pickup truck. > > ~~~~~~

Redneck Sex Test
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False 2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False 3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False 5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False 6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False 7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False 8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False 9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False 10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False 11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False 12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False 13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False 14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False 15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute. True or False 16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True o

Redneck Man's Pick Up Lines
Redneck Man's pick up lines > >1. Did you fart, cuz you blew me away.... > >2. Are yer parents retarded cuz ya sure are special... > >3. My love fer you is like diarrhea...I can't hold it in... > >4. Do you have a library card, cuz I'd like to sign you out... > >5. Is there a mirror in yer pants because I sure can see myself in >em... > > >6. If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer >hole... > > >7. You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauties only a >light >switch away.... > >8) Man: "Fat Penguin! "Woman: "WHAT?" Man: "I just wanted to say >something that would break the ice... > >9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer >bed-rock... > >10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went >inta this cheap motel room... > >11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner... > >12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin' we kin sleep til >afternoon. > >And.... the best for last > >13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every

Redneck Pickup Lines......these Are Baaaad!!! Lmfao!!!
Redneck Man's pick up lines > 1) Did you fart? >cuz you blew me away. > >2) Are yer parents retarded? >cuz ya sure are special. > >3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . >I can't hold it in. > >4) Do you have a library card? >cuz I'd like to sign you out. > > 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. > >6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. > >7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. > >8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" >Woman - "WHAT?" >Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." > >9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. > >10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta that cheap motel room. > >11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. > >12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. > >and.... the best for last! > >13) Yer face remin

Redneck Love Poem
Redneck Jokes Redneck Love Poem submitted by: Roy Butler - Athens, TN Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. Yo

Redneck Joke
10. The monitor is up on blocks. 9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them. 8. The six front keys have rotted out. 7. The extra RAM ports have truck parts stored in them. 6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six. 5. The password is "Bubba". 4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU. 3. There's a Coors can in the cup holder(CD-ROM drive). 2. The keyboard is camouflaged. AND the number 1 way to tell if a redneck has been working on a computer is... 1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

Redneck And The Lottery
A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million." The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years." The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won it and I want it." Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years. The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now, then I want my dollar back!"

Redneck Territory
Redneck Territory You know you live in Redneck Territory when the county snowplows are the last ones out on the road! They figure if the folks make it to work safely and the school buses don’t get stuck it’s a fine time for them to hit the roads.

Redneck Security Vs. Modern Security Systems
Redneck Security Vs. Modern Security Systems Modern security systems sound off an earpiercing siren when an intruder breaks in. You receive a phone call from the security folks asking you if you are okay and they assure you that help is on it's way. While waiting for the troops to arrive you either have to hide from your intruder or face a possible physical attack. Rednecks don't take kindly to strangers in their homes. Rednecks are always looking to have a little target practice. Rednecks don't take to loud noises unless it's the echo from their shotgun blasting. Rednecks "Do Not Hide" from anyone but their wives!

Red Neck Pick Up Lines
1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away. 2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special. 3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in your pants? Because I can see myself in them. 6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole. 7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. 13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighten up.

Red Neck Vasectomy
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative, said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10." The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count... "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Redneck Son
Dearest Redneck Son, I'm writing this slow, because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send. Your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get m

Redneck Love Poem
Kudzu is green, My dog’s name is Blue And I’m so lucky, To have a sweet thang like you. Your hair is like cornsilk, A-flappin’ in the breeze. Softer than Blue’s And without all them fleas. You move like a bass, Which excites me in May. You ain’t got no scales, But I luv you anyway. You have all your teeth, For which I am proud; I hold my head high When we’re in a crowd. Still them fellers at work, They all want to know, What I did to deserve, Such a purty, young doe. Like a good roll of duck tape, Yo’re there for your man, To patch up life’s troubles, And stick’em in the can. Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler, Racin’ through the mud, Yet fragile as that singer, Named Naomi Judd. When you hold me real tight, Like a padded gunrack, My life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack. Yore complexion, it’s perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin’. Despite all the years, Yore age keeps on hidin’. And when you get old, Like a ’57 Chevy, Won’t put

Rednecks Are Smart
"Hello, is this the FBI?" "Yes. What do you want?" "I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood." "Thank you very much for the call, sir." The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swore at Billy Bob and left. The phone rings at Billy Bob's house. "Hey, Billy Bob! Did the FBI come?" "Yeah!" "Did they chop your firewood?" "Yep." "Merry Christmas Buddy."

Redneck Pick Up Lines!
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my nuts tighte

Redneck
1. Have your ever said Hey ya'll watch this and ended up in the hospital? 2. Used a road sign to sight in your rifle? 3. Drank so much that you have woke up in the bed with a woman who weighs twice as much as you do? 4. Ever threw up in your boot? 5. Woke up naked in your front or back yard? 6. You scratch yourself no matter when are where you are at? 7. When you fart you invite others to come share the aroma with you? 8. You have ever shared a spit can. 9. You got lost in the woods, chased up a tree by wild hogs, then have an owl fly into your head. (Bodine your my hero) 10. Poured you sippin whiskey in your truck to give it enough gas to make it home. 11. Have ever shit on your overall straps. 12. Touched yourself in an impure manner while in your tree stand. 13. Accidentally shot a hole in your house while cleaning your gun. 14. Fell out of your tree stand and break both of your legs. (You D man HD) 15. Gave yoursel

Red Neck If 1
You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk. You ever cut your grass and found a car. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. You think the stock market has a fence around it. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater. Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years. You own a homemade fur coat. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. You burn your yard rather than mow it. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. Birds are attracted to your beard. Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest. You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born. You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial. You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately. Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos". You

Redneck 2
Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list. Every socket in your house breaks a fire code. You've totaled every car you've ever owned. There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car. The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice. There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door. You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys. The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape. You think a subdivision is part of a math problem. You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap. You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie. You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape. You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog. Your considered an expert on wormbeds. Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell." The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house. You've ever bought a used cap. Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes. You pick your teeth from a catalog

Redneck 3
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup. You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature. You think the French Riviera is foreign car. You go to a stock car race and don't need a program. You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course. you have ever used lard in bed. you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves. you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass. your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. The primary color of your car is bondo. directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road." your dog and your wallet are both on a chain. you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle. Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people. your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. you see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an empty milk jug.

Redneck 4
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time. You've ever been too drunk to fish. You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures. You've ever used a weedeater indoors. You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run). You consider a family reunion a good place to pick up girls. You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt. You've ever financed a tattoo. Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. You go to a tupperware party for a haircut. You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass. Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare. Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps. You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income. You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle. Jack D

Redneck 5
Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I flush it." Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight. When you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack," it reminds you to pull your jeans up. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest". You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck. You can change the oil in your truck witho

Redneck 6
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!". You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?". Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..." Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!". Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood. You bring your dog to work with you. You replace a flat tire on your truck with a tire from your house. You've ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they closed it Your family's No. 1 enemy is revenuers. Your belt buckle doubles as a serving platter. You use lava soap more than thre

Red Neck Slang
Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!" "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit." "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style." "This'll jar your preserves." "Cute as a sack full of puppies." "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it." "Gooder than grits." "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs." "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch." Wintery roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot." A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off." When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count." If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats." A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering doo-doo on a marble floor." "He's uglier than homemade soap." "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down." "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits." "I'm just about as welcome at my in-laws as a hair

Redneck Pick Up Lines
) Did you fart? > > cuz you blew me away. > > > > 2) Are yer parents retarded? > > cuz ya sure are special. > > > > 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ... > > I can't hold it in. > > > > 4) Do you have a library card? > > cuz I'd like to sign you out. > > > > 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? > > cuz I can see myself in em. > > > > 6) If you in I were Squirrels, > > I'd store my nuts in yer hole. > > > > 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, > > but beauty's only a light switch away. > > > > 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" > > Woman - "WHAT?" > > Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." > > > > 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, > > but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. > > > > 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? > > I think he went inta this cheap motel room. > > > > 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. > > > > 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, > > we kin sleep til afternoon. > > > > and..

Redneck Mama
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before, she says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' 'An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!' an' they all comes

Redneck Etiquette Tips
Going Out: 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. Entertaining In Your Home: 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table ... no matter how good his manners are. 3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. Personal Hygiene: 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's own truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money. 3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Redneck Computer Terms
BACKUP - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods. BAR CODE - Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern. BUG - The reason you give for calling in sick. BYTE - What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro. CACHE - Needed when you run out of food stamps. CHIP - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in. TERMINAL - Time to call the undertaker. CRASH - When you go to Junior's party uninvited. DIGITAL - The art of counting on your fingers. DISKETTE - Female Disco dancer. FAX - What you lie about to the IRS. HACKER - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking. HARDCOPY - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos. INTERNET - Where cafeteria workers put their hair. KEYBOARD - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. MAC - Big Bubba's favorite fast food. MEGAHERTZ - How your head feels after 17 beers. MODEM - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall. MOUSE PAD - Where Mickey and Minnie

A Redneck Zoo
What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Redneck zoo? On the cage in a Yankee zoo, it will have the name of the animal and the scientific name in Latin. A Southern zoo will have the name of the animal and a recipe. Submitted by Shawn Rung.

Redneck Quickies
Question: What do you call the sight of a plumber under the sink with his pants creeping down, exposing his crack? Answer: Redneck Cleavage. Submitted by Jim Howell. Question: How long does it takes a redneck to eat road kill? Answer: It depends on how heavy the traffic is. Submitted by Roller2664. Question: What are the last words of a redneck? Answer: "Hey y'all check this out!" Submitted by Rob Klotz. You know you're staying in a redneck motel, when you call up the front desk to say you gotta leak in the sink, and the guy says, "Go ahead." Submitted by MojoDncr. Hope my family members don't get insulted, but I do have a dead uncle that has a tombstone carved out like an 18 wheeler semi-truck. His wife was driving with him, and she's not dead yet, but the enscryption says, "One fine team". Sorry Aunt Annamae! Submitted by LbkMystery. Question: How do you recognize an Aussie Redneck? Answer: You look up his family tree and m

Redneck Pick-up Lines
1) Did you fart? > > cuz you blew me away. > > > > 2) Are yer parents retarded? > > cuz ya sure are special. > > > > 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea ... > > I can't hold it in. > > > > 4) Do you have a library card? > > cuz I'd like to sign you out. > > > > 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? > > cuz I can see myself in em. > > > > 6) If you in I were Squirrels, > > I'd store my nuts in yer hole. > > > > 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, > > but beauty's only a light switch away. > > > > 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" > > Woman - "WHAT?" > > Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." > > > > 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, > > but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. > > > > 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? > > I think he went inta this cheap motel room. > > > > 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. > > > > 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, > > we kin sleep til afternoon. > > > > and.

Redneck Computer Terms.!!
*BACKUP..What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods. *BAR CODE..Them's the fight'n rules down at the local tavern. *BUG..The reason you give for calling in sick. *BYTE..What your pit bull dun to cusin Jethro. *CACHE..Needed when you run out of food stamps. *CHIP..Pasture muffins that you try not to step in. *TERMINAL..Time to call the undertaker. *CRASH..When you go to Junior's party uninvited. *DIGITAL..The art of counting on your fingers. *DISKETTE..Female disco dancer. *FAX..What you lie about to the IRS. *HACKER..Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking. *HARDCOPY..Picture looked at when selecting tattoos. *INTERNET..Where cafeteria workers put their hair. *KEYBOARD..Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. *MAC..Big Bubba's favorite fast food. *MEGAHERTZ..How your head feels after 17 beers. *MODEM..What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall. *MOUSE PAD..Where Mickey and Minnie live. *NETWORK..Scoop'n up a big

Redneck Etiquette
1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 2. It's considered poor taste to take a Budweiser cooler to church, even if the NASCAR races do start at noon. 3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. ***DINING OUT *** 1. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs. ***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME *** 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are. ***PERSONAL HYGIENE *** 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone... Deodorant is a waste of beer money.

Rednecks Use Computers Too!!
"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer. "Keyboard" -- 1. Place to hang your truck keys. 2. Whare you're supposed to put da keys so da wife can find 'em. (from NetDummy Humor) "Window" -- Place in the truck to hang your guns. "Floppy" -- When you run out of Polygrip. "Modem" -- 1. How you got rid of your dandelions. 2. What you did to da hay fields last July. (from NetDummy Humor) "ROM" -- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola. "Byte" -- First word in a kiss-off phrase. "Reboot" -- What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff. "Network" -- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line. "Mouse" -- 1. Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in order to get a free case. 2. What leaves those little turds in da cupboard. "LAN" -- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck." "Cursor" -- What some

Redneck Drivin Ediquet!!
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving. Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession. Do not remove the marlbro from your mouth before telling the state trooper to kiss off. Put Brush Guards on all our vehicles When taking Shortcut off road, be careful as not to hit anyone who might be walking. You must have big tires on all vehicles (even cars). A Jack Daniels bottle is not a gear shift. When you get stopped and the officer says he is going to write you a ticket don't tell him, "No thanks, I won't be stay

Redneck Love Poem
REDNECK LOVE POEM SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE; SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO. PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER. SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL, BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL. YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER, BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO' I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER. BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE. YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY!

Redneck's Pick Up Lines
Redneck's pick up lines 1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you wuz a tree and I wuz a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as winder cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. AND the best Redneck pick-up line: 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it my n

Redneck Medical Terms
Benign....................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria..................Back door to cafeteria. Barium....................What you do with dead folks. Cesarean Section.....A neighborhood in Rome. Catscan...................Searching for the cat. Cauterize.................Made eye contact with her. Colic........................A sheep dog. Coma......................A punctuation mark. D&C........................Where Washington is. Dilate......................To live longer than your kids do. Enema....................Not a friend. Fester.....................Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................A small lie. G.I.Series................World Series of military baseball. Hangnail........... ......What you hang your coat on. Impotent.................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain...............Getting hurt at work. Morbid....................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates..................Cheaper th

Redneck Women!!
Drinking with a redneck girl... A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the same one twice". The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either." The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one draft, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice." God Bless America

Red Neck Chick!
Drinking with a Redneck Girl A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar. When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with the Same one twice." The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer, throws into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that we don't need to drink with the same one twice either." The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer, downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45, and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many illegal Mex

Redneck Medical Terms
Here is a list of medical terms to know if you are a redneck Artery......................The study of paintings. Benign......................What you be after you be eight. Bacteria....................Back door to cafeteria. Barium......................What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome. Cat Scan.....................Searching for Kitty. Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her. Coma........................A punctuation mark. Dilate......................To live long. Enema.......................Not a friend. Fester......................Quicker than someone else. Fibula......................A small lie. Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on. Impotent....................Distinguished, well known. Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work. Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane. Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid. Nitrates....................Cheaper than d

Redneck Exam
We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam: 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? (A) '65 Ford Fairlane (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO. 3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product? 4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser’s will be drunk before the trees are cut down? 5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and

Redneck Book-a-manners
'Redneck Book a Manners' General Tips 1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. Dinin’ Out 1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. 2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor, as the restaurant may not have dogs. 3. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine. Entertainin’ In Yer Home 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat from the table - no matter how good his manners are. Personal Hygiene 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a jo

Red Neck Book Of Manners
Tips from the Redneck Book of Manners ***GENERAL BEHAVIOR*** 1. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 2. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. 3. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 4. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. ***DINING OUT *** 1. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs. ***ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME *** 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are. ***PERSONAL HYGIENE *** 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone... Deodorant is a waste of good money. **

A Redneck's Letter To His Mother
Dear Mull, I am rightin' this here letter slow as I know ya cain't read fast. Me and my wife and the kids and 6 dogs went and moved last week. I took the house numbers with us so we don't have to do one of them there address changes. I got me a good job here. I finally got to be a pilot. I work for Daniel's Tree Service. They cut the wood and I pilot. Things here are about the same. We took Grandma to the doctor so she could get Grandpa some of them Viagra pills. She slipped them into his coffee so he wouldn't know. He went crazy. He grabbed her and ripped her clothes off right there in front of all us. He throwed everything off the table and kept taking her over and over again. Grandma said the sex was great but she is upset that the people at McDonalds said we couldn't come back no more. I went whorse back riddin' the other day. I'm lucky to be alive. That whorse took off and I almost fell off. I was hangin' on for my life and screamin' my head off. I don't know what I'd don

Redneck Drivers Licence
Redneck Driver's License Application Last name: ________________ First name (check appropriate box): [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth-Ann Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: _________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: _________________________ Lover's Name: ____________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that

Redneck Sex Text ~lmoa~
The Redneck Sex Test 1. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False 2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False 3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False 4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack. True or False 5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False 6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False 7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False 8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False 9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False 10. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False 11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False 12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False 13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False 14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke. True or False 15. An umbilical chord is part of a parachute. True or False 16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False 17. An orgasm is

Rednecks
One day, two rednecks named Bubba and Earl were driving down the road, drinking a couple of Buds. The passenger, Bubba, said "Lookey thar up ahead Earl, it's a po-leece roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!" "Don't worry Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, then throw the bottles under the seat." "What fer?" asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', okay?" said Earl. They finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat and slapped the labels on their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "Have you boys been drinking?" "No sir," said Earl, "we're on the patch."

134 Redneck Warning Signs (yes!! It Says 134)
1. You've ever cut your grass and found a car. 2. You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't. 3. You think the stock market has a fence around it. 4. Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in-Theater. 5. You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu. 6. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years. 7. You own a homemade fur coat. 8. Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns. 9. You burn your yard rather than mow it. 10. Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath." 11. You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in." 12. You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen. 13. The Salvation Army declines your mattress. 14. You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 15. Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one. 16. Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language. 17. Someone

A Redneck Poem Somebody Sent To Me Lol
The Redneck Love Poem Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, Well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, What I di d to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man, To patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, Y

Redneck Technical Terms
Backup - What you do when you run across a skunk in the woods. Bug - The reason you give for calling in sick. Byte - What your pitbull done to cousin Jeb. Chip - Pasture muffins that you try not to step in. Terminal - Time to call the undertaker. Crash - When you go to Bubba's party uninvited. Digital - The art of counting on your fingers. Diskette - Female Disco dancer. Fax - What you lie about to the IRS. Hacker - Uncle Jonas after 32 years of smoking. Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos. Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair. Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food. Megahertz - How your head feels after 17 beers. Modem - What you do when the grass gets too high. Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live. Network - Scooping up a big fish before it breaks the line. ROM - Where the pope lives. Screen - Keeps mosquitoes off the porch.

Redneck Humor
Two rednecks were seen walking down through town, when one whose name is Billy Ray says to the other, Joe Billy; "hey, Joe Billy what'cha got in that there sack? Oh, just some chickuns. Billy Ray then says if I guess how many you have in that there sack can I have one. Joe Billy then responds, "sure, if you can guess you can have both of them." Billy Ray, then ponders a bit then says HMMMM, I think I got it, 5? Hope this made at least some of you laugh. Even if it brought a small smile, it worked. There is nothing like laughter to make a day brighter.

Redneck In A Whorehouse
A redneck has five bucks and is horny, so he thinks to himself, "Maybe I'll go to that whorehouse I've been hearin' so much 'bout." The redneck walks in, approaches a very burlesque, good-looking woman and says, "I've got 5 bucks, give me your best." The man is immediately escorted to a room with a mirror, a couch, and a chicken in the corner. The woman shuts the door. The man reluctantly takes the chicken and finishes his business. He then realized that that was the best sex he'd ever had. The following week, the man brings $10 of his hard earned money, and offers it to the woman. He is the whisked off in to a small room with a few benches and a double sided mirror. The small room quickly fills with men and women alike. Two women walk into the room that the people are viewing. The two lesbians then proceed to make love on the table. The redneck nudges the man next to him and exclaims, "Damn, for 10 bucks, this is damn good." The man then chuckles and says, "You should have

Redneck "book Of Manners
1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. Its considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. **** DINING OUT **** 1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. 2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs. **** ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME **** 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are. **** PERSONAL HYGIENE **** 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a j ob that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days;

Redneck Book Of Manners.....lol
1. Never take a beer to a job interview. 2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. 3. Its considered poor taste to take a cooler to church. 4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. 5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home. **** DINING OUT **** 1. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label. 2. Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs. **** ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME **** 1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. 2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are. **** PERSONAL HYGIENE **** 1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a j ob that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. 2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days;

Redneck Surgical Procedure
Redneck Vasectomy After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative, said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10." The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count... "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on h

Redneck
Well i have been back in Mississippi for the last 3 months as of today Well in the last 3 months i have seen alot of things that you would say you might be a redneck if These things i have seen i will explain and there all pretty interesting and were funny to me since they all tell me im not a redneck Well one of the first things that happend when i was here was my 16 year old nephew decided he wanted a small boat to go on the pond with since we have 3 ponds here its a logical request well anyway we couldnt find one at the exact point that he wanted one so he decided to go out to the trailers that were wripped apart during Katrina and get the bath tubs out of it well about an hour later we had about 7 kids out on the pond in bath tubs and using things like brooms and rakes and stuff to paddle with i thought this was funny as hell then a few weeks Later a friend of the family was going to rehab and he didnt pay any attention to the shirt he had been wearing that morning and walked in

Redneck Letter!!!
Dear Redneck Son, I am writing this letter slow because I know you cannot read that fast. We don't live where we did when you left home, your father read in the newspaper that most accidents occur within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their new address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since. The weather here isn't bad. It only rained twice last week, once for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said that it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them into the pockets. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him an hour to g

Redneck Driver's License Application
Last name: ________________ (Check appropriate box) First name: First name: [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________ Lover's Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___ Mo

Redneck Momma
Redneck Momma A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids. "WOW," the social worker exclaims, "are they ALL YOURS???" "Yep they are all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children rush to find seats. "Well," says the social worker, "then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names." "This one's my oldest - he is Leroy." "OK, and who's next?" "Well, this one he is Leroy, also." The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Leighroy! "All right," says the caseworker. "I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?" Their Momma replied, "Well, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Leroy!' 'An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Leroy!'

Redneck Man's Pick Up Lines
> 1) Did you fart? > cuz you blew me away. > > 2) Are yer parents retarded? > cuz ya sure are special. > > 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. > I can't hold it in. > > 4) Do you have a library card? > cuz I'd like to sign you out. > > 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? > cuz I can see myself in em. > > 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, > I'd store my nuts in yer hole. > > 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, > but beauty's only a light switch away. > > 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" > Woman - "WHAT?" > Man - "I just wanted to say something that > would break the ice." > > 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, > but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. > > 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? > I think he went inta this cheap motel room. > > 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. > > 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, > we kin sleep til afternoon. > > and.... the best for last! > > 13) Yer face reminds me of a wre

Redneck Cowboy
Redneck Cowboy A Redneck cowboy rides into a town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and dog under the shade of a tree. The Redneck cowboy goes into the bar for a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The Redneck cowboy tells him that it’s his. The policeman says; “your dog is in heat”. The redneck cowboy answers; “no way the dogs in heat; he’s cool, cause he’s tied under the shade of the tree”. The policeman says; “no, you don’t understand, your dog needs to be bred”. The redneck cowboy shakes his head and says; “no way the dog needs bread, he’s not hungry, I gave him beek jerky this morning”. The policeman finally gets mad and says; “look, your dog wants to have sex”. The redneck cowboy looks at him and says; “go ahead, I always wanted a police-dog”

Redneck Pickup Lines
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find > him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench eve

Redneck Beer Bread
Makes: 20 servings Prep Time: 15 minutes Cook Time: 30 minutes Ready In: 45 minutes This bread is quick and easy to do! Ingredients 3 cups self rising flour 3 tbsp sugar 1 can 12 oz warm beer Directions Mix all ingredients in a glass bowl. Put into a greased bread pan. Let rise about 15 minutes. Bake in 400 degree oven for 30 minutes or until brown. This bread can go with anything in Cajun country.

Redneck Sex Test
You scored 25 LAME ASS, 0 DUMB ASS, 0 GETTING THERE, and 74 DAMN REDNECK! THANKS FOR TAKING MY TEST HOPEFULLY YOU HAD FUN AN IF NOT KISS MY ASS CAUSE I KNOW YOU ARE A REAL REDNECK ANYWAY HAHAHAHAHA Link: The TRUE REDNECK SEX TEST Test written by drfeelgood4u2 on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test

Redneck Vasectomy
A West Virginia couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision - why after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish

Redneck & His Dog
On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. Hetied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a coldbeer. About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who ownedthe dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his. The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck replies,"No way dog's in heat---she's cool cause I got 'ER tied under the shadeof the tree." The policeman says, "No! You don't understand-- your dog needs to bebred. "No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she's nothungry, cause I fed her beef jerky this mornin'." Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem tounderstand, your dog wants to have sex!" The redneck looks at him for a moment and says, "Go ahead. I alwayswanted a police dog!"

Redneck Survey
1. Have you ever gone mudding? OF COURSE! 2. Have you ever lived on a dirt or gravel road? YEP 3. Ever been swimming in a lake or river? YEP 4. Ever been to a bonfire party? OH YEAH!!! 5. Have you ever driven a tractor? driven one and also ridden on one 6. Have you ever been on a horse? YEP 7. Chevy or Ford or Dodge? Ford 8. Kissed someone in a pick up? YEP 9. What's your favorite country song? Ticks..... lol 10. Ever done 90 miles per hour down a dirt road? NOPE 11. Worked or Lived on a farm? YEP 12. Been to a rodeo? YEP 13. Do you own cowboy boots? YEP....several pair 14. Do you have a cowboy hat? YEP.... pink one 15. Have you ever said Git-R-Done? just making fun of larry the cable guy 16. Country skylines or a city skyline? COUNTRY 17.Do you think tractors are sexy? NOPE 18. Ever rode a 4-wheeler? OF COURSE 19. Are you from the country? YEP 20. If so, are you proud of it? YEP 21. Gone hunting? YEP...

Redneck Mens Pick Up Lines
Redneck Man's Pick-up Lines Body: 1) Did you fart? cuz you just blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to check you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Fat Penguin................... Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would break the ice. 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep til' afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think o

Redneck Accident
The U.S. Government decided to take an experiment to see what people say right before they get into an auto accident. 89% of the people in the normal states said: ''Oh, shit!'' In redneck states 94% said: ''Hold my beer. Watch this.''

Redneck Love Poem
SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE; SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE. SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO. PAPPY TOLD HER, "SUSIE GAL, YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER. I'D JUST AS-SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW, BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER." SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL, BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS, HE SAID, "THERE'S TROUBLE STILL. YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL, AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER, BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO' I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER." BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, "MY CHILD, JUST DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE. YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY."

Redneck Of All Redneck Stories
http://www.nytimes.com/aponline/us/AP-911-Officer-Lawsuit.html?_r=1&oref=slogin October 10, 2007 Fla. Police Officer Sues Victim's Family By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS Filed at 10:46 a.m. ET CASSELBERRY, Fla. (AP) -- A police officer who slipped and injured a knee during a rescue call has sued the family who phoned 911 after their 1-year-old boy nearly drowned. The child, Joey Cosmillo, fell into the family pool in January. He was resuscitated but suffered brain damage and can't walk, talk or swallow. He lives in a nursing home and eats and breathes through tubes. Police Sgt. Andrea Eichhorn alleges the boy's family left a puddle of water on the floor, causing her fall during the rescue effort. She broke her knee and missed two months of work. Eichhorn's attorney, David Heil, said she now has persistent knee pain and will likely develop arthritis. He said city benefits paid by workers' compensation and some disability checks helped with medical bills, but it wasn't enough.

Redneck Medical Terms
Redneck medical terms (don't shoot me, I'm just passing on a giggle, no offense meant in any way, shape of form, so just laugh and enjoy the sarcasm). Benign - What you be after you be eight. Artery - The study of paintings. Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria Barium - What doctors do when patients die. Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome Catscan - Searching for Kitty Cauterize - Make eye contact with her Colic - A sheep dog Coma - A punctuation mark D&C - Where Washington is Dilate - To live long Enema - Not a friend Fester - Quicker than someone else Fibula - A small lie G.I.Series - World series of military baseball Hangnail - What you hang your coat on Impotent - Distinguished, well known Labor Pains - Getting hurt at work Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane Morbid - A higher offer than I did Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates Node - I knew it Outpatient - A person who has fainted Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis Post Operative -

Redneck Horoscope
Redneck Horoscope OKRA Dec 22 - Jan 20 Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies! CHITLIN Jan 21 - Feb 19 Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they're uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has plenty of seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful. Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember that when marriage time rolls around. BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20- Mar 20 You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you

Redneck Man's Pick Up Lines
CAN'T GET INTO THE STASH SO I WILL POST IT HERE... Redneck Man's pick up lines 1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman - 'WHAT?' Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.' 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in

Redneck Firefighters
You might be on a redneck fire department if... Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing on the way to the scene. You have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper. Your firehouse has wheels. You've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse. Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire gettin' drunk. You've ever been toned out on an outhouse fire. That outhouse fire was with entrapment. You've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their ground. At least one vehicle in the firehouse still has decorations on it from the Halloween Parade and it's January. Your personnel vehicle has more lights on it than your house has lights in it. You don't own a Dalmation, but you do have a coon dog named Sparky. You've ever walked through a christmas display and came up with more than 3 new ideas for a light scheme for your truck. Your re

Redneck Pick Up Lines
Redneck Pick-Up Lines 1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in. 4) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em. 5) If you was a tree and I were a squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock." 8) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 9) Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner. 10) If yer gonna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til the afternoon. 11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,................every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

Redneck Pickup Lines
Redneck Pick-Up Lines 1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in. 4) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em. 5) If you was a tree and I were a squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 6) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 7) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock." 8) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 9) Yer eyes are as blue & pretty as window cleaner. 10) If yer gonna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til the afternoon. 11) Yer face reminds me of a wrench,................every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up.

Redneck Love Poem
redneck love poem Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas. You move like the bass, which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales but I luv you anyway. Yo're as satisfy'n as okry jist a-fry'n in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as "snuff" right out of the can. You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud; I hold my head high when we're in a crowd. On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms. Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape yo're there fer yore man, to patch up life's troubles and fix what you can. Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead. You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed. Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt

Redneck Babebee Birff
Deep in the backwoods the hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down...I think there's another one coming." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. "No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern...It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor. The hillbilly scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light that's attractin' 'em?"

Red-neck Pickup Lines
RED-NECK PICKUP LINES 1) Did you fart, cause you blew me away! 2) Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special. 3) My Love for you is like diarrhea .. I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card, 'cause I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in your pants, because I can see myself in them. 6) If you and I were Squirrels, I'd store my nuts in your hole. 7) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away. 8) Man - "Fat Penguin!" Woman - "WHAT?" Man - "I just wanted to say something that would break the ice." 9) I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap mo tel room. 11) Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon. and.... the best for last! 13) Your face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of

Rednecks Go Driving
Rednecks Go Driving A couple drove their car to K-Mart. Their car broke down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to go on with the shopping while he fixed the car there in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, they had ridden up his legs, and his lack of underpants had turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The poor mechanic under the car had to have three stitches in his head.

Redneck Application!!
Redneck Application Last name: ________________ First name :( Check appropriate box) [_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo [_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee [_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen [_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ____ (if unsure, guess) Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation: [_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress [_] Un-employed [_] Dirty Politician Spouse's Name: __________________________ 2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________ 3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________ Lover's Name: __________________________ 2nd Lover's Name: __________________________ Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt [_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son [_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet Number of children living in household: ___ Number of children living in shed: ___ Number of children that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: ______

Redneck Friends
FRIENDS:Go with you to the bathroom and hold the stall door shut. REDNECK FRIENDS: Will shine a spotlight on you while your drunk ass is taking a piss in the bushes. FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. and Mrs REDNECK FRIENDS: Call your parents drunk as hell and tell them about the fat chick you tried to pick up FRIENDS: Hope the night out drinking goes smoothly, and hope that no one is late for the ride home. REDNECK FRIENDS: Are already on some bullshit,and know some wild shit will happen, and still be down to kik it all nite. FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong. REDNECK FRIENDS: Will be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...we fucked up agine dint we?" FRIENDS: Cry with you. REDNECK FRIENDS: laugh at you FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back. REDNECK FRIENDS: Steal each other's stuff so often nobody remembers who bought it in the first place. haha FRIENDS: Are happy that someone picked up a one night stand

Redneck Sexual Iq Test It Been Willyfied Lol
"Miss Ida May Johnson, a smokin' hot new teacher, at Buttwiler High School put up posters saying, "Boys this Saturday come come to the gym and I will measure your Sexual IQ! Girl's your date is next Saturday!" That Saturday the gym was crowded with, Jr and HS, guys their girl friends kept outside by the bouncer joking, laughing, and talking amognst themselves! They started laughing at and wondering, was he trachers husband/boyfriend, about an older man sitting silently in the background when one guy stood up saying, "That's Big Bubba! Hey man!" And the man tipped his beer at the kid! All of a sudden the doors opened and Miss Ida entered, papers held to her ample breasts! She asked for silence as she started handing out tests and pencils, guys got quiet when she came near then started yacking again! Big Bubba coming back from a cigarette saw her pointing at kids, in the front row, laughing! He went over, smacked one upside the head then another! The gym fell silent then as Ida May annou

12 Redneck Days Of Christmas
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me 12-Pack of Bud 11 Rasslin' Tickets tin of Copenhagen 9 Years Probation 8 Table Dancers 7 Packs of Redman 6 Cans of Spam 5 Flannel shirts 4 Mud grip tires 3 Shotgun shells 2 Huntin' dogs And some parts to a Mustang GT.

2 Rednecks And A Hole
Two rednecks are out hunting. As they are walking along they see a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it. The first hunter says, "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter says "I don't know. Let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter says, "There's this old transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over. They count one, two, three and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and jump in headfirst. While they are standing there looking at the hole and each other trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. "Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to

Redneck Family Tree
Many many years ago when I was twenty three, I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be. This widow had a grown-up daughter Who had hair of red. My father fell in love with her, And soon the two were wed. This made my dad my son-in-law And changed my very life. My daughter was my mother, For she was my father's wife. To complicate the matters worse, Although it brought me joy. I soon became the father Of a bouncing baby boy. My little baby then became A brother-in-law to dad. And so became my uncle, Though it made me very sad. For if he was my uncle, Then that also made him brother To the widow's grown-up daughter Who, of course, was my step-mother. Father's wife then had a son, Who kept them on the run. And he became my grandson, For he was my daughter's son. My wife is now my mother's mother And it makes me blue. Because, although she is my wife, She's my grandma too. If my wife is my grandmother, Then I am her grandchild. And ever

Redneck Dog..lmao
On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his . The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree." The policeman says, "No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred. "No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'." Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!" The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog!"

A Redneck Letter
Dear Billy joe Bob, I'm writting this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 minutes of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. I even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though, Last week I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain, we haven't seen it since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for fourdays. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Bubba said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me an

Rednecks Christmas Song
LOL I got this call from work as a "call off" LOL: Redneck's Christmas Song Sung to the tune of "Joy to the World" I pissed my pants The toilet was just too far I drunk Too much Damn beer I tried to hold it in But my bladder did give in And I pissed thru my drawers Right thru my Wrangler drawers I pissed I pissed Right thru my drawers

Redneck Night Before Christmas
It was the night before Christmas, and all through the trailer park, not a pop-top was poppin', not even Ole Blue barked. Our stockin's was hung over the space heater with care, in the hopes that Santy would fill 'em with Viennas and beer. The kids was asleep in their NASCAR pj's, Dreamin' of Goo Goo Clusters, Moon Pies, and Milkyway's. And Earlene in her curlers and me in my Earnhardt cap, had just settled into our La-Z-Boys for Wheel of Fortune and a nap. Then out in the vacant lot I heart such a commotion, I thought it was neighbor Clyde, finally got his T'bird in motion. I heaved out of my recliner and to the window I flew, Busted out the screen and hollered to Ole Blue. The moon was shinin down on my old wrecked cars, so bright they was sparklin' like rusty old stars. And I couldn't believe by own hardworkin' eyes, when a jacked-up Chevy pickup come flyin' through the sky! Faster'n Ole Ironhead his possums they came

Rednecks Gone Wild
HEY EVERYONE, I HAVE MADE A LOUNGE FOR EVERYONE.. IT'S THE GRAND OPENING, I HOPE YALL WILL AT LEAST STOP BY, CHECK IT OUT & MAYBE EVEN SUBSCRIBE. IT'S NOT LIKE THE OTHERS! COME IN, KICK BACK, RELAX AND ENJOY... I AM LOOKING FOR MORE PEOPLE TO HELP ME GET IT GOING...PLEASE COME CHECK IT OUT!!!! HERE IS THE LINK: http://fubar.com/new_lounge.php?lid=52936 I'LL BE LOOKING FOR YALL!!!!!!!!!!! HOLLA BACK AT ME, RYAN

Redneck Medical Terminology
Redneck Medical Terminology BENIGN................WHAT YOU BE AFTER YOU BE EIGHT ARTERY...............THE STUDY OF PAINTINGS BACTERIA............BACK DOOR TO CAFETERIA. BARIUM................WHAT YOU DO WITH A PERSON WHEN HE DIES. CESAREAN SECTION........... A NEIGHBORHOOD IN ROME. CATscan................SEARCHING FOR YOUR KITTY. CAUTERIZE............MADE EYE CONTACT WITH HER. COMA....................A PUNCTUATION MARK D&C.....................WHERE BILL CLINTON LIVES DILATE.................TO LIVE LONG. ENEMA................NOT A FRIEND FESTER...............QUICKER THAN SOMEONE ELSE FIBULA................A SMALL LIE GENITAL..............NON-JEWISH PERSON G.I. SERIES..........WORLD SERIES OF MILITARY BASEBALL HANGNAIL............WHERE YOU PUT YOUR COAT IN THE CLOSET IMPOTENT............DISTINGUISHED, WELL KNOWN MEDICAL STAFF.... A DOCTOR'S CANE MORBID..................A HIGHER OFFER THAN I BID NITRATES..............CHEAPER THAN DAY RATES NODE....................I

Redneck Innovations
Redneck Innovations ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck hotel ? When you call the front desk and say, I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies, Go ahead. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age for Rednecks to 32 ? It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder 1) The DNA is all the same 2) There's no dental records ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Who invented the toothbrush ? A Redneck. (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been c

Redneck Vasectomy
An Alabama couple, both bona fide rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed." The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision--why after nine children, would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish. "Git-R-Done"

Redneck Subbies
I found this years ago and then modified it by adding more to it, just a little humor I wanted to share.. Redneck subbies.. If you have ever gone to a play party in curlers and a kerchief, you just might be a redneck sub. If you count your spankings "1...2...3...the next number...the next number...the next number...", you just might be a redneck sub. If your safeword is "cut it out or I'm tellin' Maw", you might just be redneck sub. If you know what your Master expects from you by the way He belches, you just might be a redneck sub. If your Master tells you to fix him a steak, and you start by loading the shotgun, you just might be a redneck sub. If fulfilling your Master's every whim means picking up a 12-pack and changing the TV channels for Him, you might just be a redneck sub. If you have ever been bound and gagged in the bed of a rusty pick up truck,you just might be a redneck sub. If you have ever tried to brighten the dungeon decor with a p

Rednecks
A small zoo in Tennessee obtained a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available. Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Bobby Lee Walton, a redneck part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Bobby Lee, like most rednecks, had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Bobby Lee was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500? Bobby Lee showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions: 1. "First," Bobby Lee said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed

Redneck's Pet Fish
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish.He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish? ''Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.' 'Pet fish?' 'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'emswim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.' 'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.' The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.' 'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!' The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?' 'Well, what?', says the redneck. The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back

Redneck Punk
Alright so i need to vent cause i couldn't beat the shit out of this dude. i babysit my sisters daughters everyday after they get out of school til she gets home from work. i always pick up at the bus stop cause i am a cool uncle like that. well today i went to wait for em and had my mind opn other things cause i usally put my cig out in my ashtray while i wait for em and just threw it out of my window and on to the street. a few minutes pass and i notice this dude walking toward my car from across the street holdin a plastic bag and napkin, i rolled down my window as he got closer and he finally stops and picks up my cig butt. he says"drop something" and i reply"sorry" and he says "my dogs eat these and get sick" and i again say"i'm sorry". now instead of just shuttin his fuckin mouth this dude wants to get smart, he says"u got an ashtray in that mother fucker" and i says a little louder"yeah man, i said i was fuckin sorry" and with that he rolls his eyes like a fuckin 10 year old gir

Rednecks Know How To Git R Dun
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?' 'Yes. What can I do for you?' 'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith....He's hidin'Marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it insidethem logs, but he's hidin' it there.' 'Thank you very much for the call, sir.' The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. Theysearch the shed where the firewood is kept.Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.They sneer at Virgil and leave. Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house. 'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?' 'Yeah!' 'Did they chop your firewood?''Yep!' 'Happy Birthday, buddy!' (Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

A Redneck Valentine
A Redneck Valentine Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you. Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze. Softer than Blue's And without all them fleas. You move like the bass, Which excite me in May. You ain't got no scales But I luv you anyway. You're as graceful as okry Jist a-dancin' in the pan. Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop Right out of the can. You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud; I hold my head high When we're in a crowd. On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits, Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits. Still them fellers at work They all want to know, What I did to deserve Such a purty, young doe. Like a good roll of duct tape Yo're there fer yore man, To patch up life's troubles And stick 'em in the can. Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler Racin' through the mud, Yet fragile as that sanger Named Naomi Judd. Yo're as cute as

Redneck Fish Story
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got no fishin' license. But you gotta understand something: these fish here are my pet fish.' 'Pet fish?' 'Yeah. Every night, I takes these fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jumps right back into the ice chests here and I takes 'em home.' 'That's a bunch of horse crap! Fish can't do that.' The redneck looked at the game warden intently for a moment and then said, 'I swear it's the truth, Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.' 'O.K.,' said the warden. 'I've got to see this !' The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden said, 'Well?' 'Well, what?' asked the r

Redneck Pickup Lines Lmao
Just call me milk, I'll do your body good. Your body's name must be Visa, because it's everywhere I want to be. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock. I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you. My love for you is like the Energizer bunny, it keeps going and going. Yo Baby, you be my Dairy Queen, I'll be your Burger King, you treat me right, and I'll do it your way, right away. I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it. If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous. Is that Windex you're wearing? Because I can see myself in your pants. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter. Wanna play house? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long. Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mi

Redneck Valentine
Valentines, Redneck Style Kudzu is green, my dog's name is BlueAnd I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.You move like the bass, which excite me in May.You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud;I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.'Cuz you married me back in '74.Still them fellers at work they all want to know,What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.Yo're as cute as a

Red Neck Dog Story
On a hot summer day, a redneck came into town with his dog. He tied the dog under the shade of a tree and went into the bar for a cold beer. About 20 minutes later a policeman came into the bar and asked who owned the dog tied under the tree. The redneck said that it was his . The policeman said, "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck replies, "No way dog's in heat she's cool kawse I got 'er tied unner the shade tree." The policeman says, "No! You don't understand your dog needs to be bred. "No way," the redneck says, "dog don't need bread, she ain't hongry, kawse I fed 'ER beef jerky this mornin'." Now the policeman gets mad and yells out; "NO! You don't seem to understand, your dog wants to have sex!" The redneck looks at him with a long pause and says, "Go 'head. I always wanted a police dog!"

Redneck Pagan Charge Of The Goddess
(Tune: The Beverly Hillbillies by E.Scruggs) (Lyrical adaptation by Hare) Now listen to the words of the Great Star Mother, In days long past called by one name or tuther, "I am your Mammy, Queen of Earth, Air, Fire, Sea, So you better quit your yappin' an' listen to me." (Isis, that is...Astarte...Cerridwen) "When the Moon is full, bright as a silver dollar, Open up yer winder an give your Mam a hollar. I'll hear you callin, jest as clear as a bell, An I'll come a runnin an visit fer a spell." (Circle, that is...Esbat...Draw down the Moon) "Now y'all listen up, 'cause I'd hate to be a bitch, When we have our shindigs t'aint none should wear a stitch. Y'all will eat an' drink an' dance an' love, to show that you're free, 'Cause all acts of pleasure are sacred to me." (Skyclad, that is...Great Rite...Cakes an' Wine) "If you wanna know my secrets, then look in your own hide, 'Cause if what you seek ain't there, well, it won't be found outside. The greatest Myst

Redneck
a redneck was stopped by a game warden in central mississippi recently with two ice crest full of fish .he was leavin a cove well-known for its fishing the game warden ask the man ''do you have a license to catch those fish?''naw sir ''replied the redneck.'' i aint got none of them there licenses .you must understand there here are my pets fish'''pet fish'' yeah every night i take these here fish to the lake and let 'em swim round for awhile then when i whistle they jump right back into these here ice chest and i take 'em home''thats a bunch of hooey!fish can't do that ''the redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said ''its thetruth mr.goverment ''ok''said the warden'' ive got to see this the redneck poured the fish into the lake ans stood and waited after several minutes the warden says ''well?''well what?says the redneck the warden says when are you going to call them back? '' call who back ? '' the fish replied the warden ''what fish?replied the redneck

Redneck Pick-up Lines
Redneck Man's pick up lines 1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea . I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in Em. 6) If you was a tree I were a Squirrel, I'd store my Nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, But beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman - 'WHAT?' Man - 'I just wanted to say something That would break The ice.' 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, But I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't Find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this Cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, We kin sleep til Afternoon. And.... The best for last! 13) Yer face Reminds me of a wrench, Every time I thin

Rednecks
A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. You must understand, these here are my pet fish.' 'Pet fish?' 'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for awhile. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.' 'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.' The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.' 'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've g ot to see this!' The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?' 'Well, what?', says the redneck. The warden says, 'When are you going to call them bac

Redneck Computer Terms
A list of redneck computer terms Backup - What you do when you sight a skunk in the woods. Bar code - Them's the fight'n rules down da local tavern. Bug - The reason you is a giv'n for calling in sick. Byte - What yer pit bull dun to cusin Jethro. Cache - Needed when you go to da store. Chip - Yer cusin's uncle's mother's boyfriend's name. Terminal - Time to call da undertaker. Crash - When you go to Junior's party uninvited. Digital - The art of counting on your fingers. Diskette - A female Disco dancer. Hacker - Uncle Leroy after thirty years of smoking. Hardcopy - Picture looked at when selecting tattoos. Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair. Keyboard - Where you hang the keys to the John Deere. Mac - Big Bob's favorite fast food. Megahertz - How your head feels after seventeen beers. Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall. Mouse pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live. Network - Scoop'n up a big fish

Redneck Engineering Exam
Redneck Engineering Exam 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum 8 inches from the trunk. 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? 66 Ford Fairlane, 69 Chevrolet Chevelle, 64 Pontiac GTO? 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to condense the product? 4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweiser Tallboys will it take to cut the trees? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch lengt

Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Shit!
Three Rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie. As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, 'Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.' Donnie says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it. 'Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser. Ronnie says, 'Where did you get that beer, Donnie?' Cooter's wife gave it to me,' Ronnie replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?' Well, not exactly', Donnie says. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, you must be Cooter's widow'.' She said, 'I ain't no widow.' Then I said 'I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.' Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Shit

Redneck Pick-up Lines! Lmao
Redneck Man's pick up lines: I like #7... 1) Did you fart? Cuz you just blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree and I were a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Fat Penguin................... Sorry, I just wanted to say something that would break the ice. 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy , can you help me find him? I Think he went into this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin', we kin sleep Til afternoon. And.... The best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of

Redneck Poetry
Redneck Poetry The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M. The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu". The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem: Slowly across the desert sand Trekked the dusty caravan. Men on camels, two by two Destination-Timbuktu.

A Redneck Mirror,,,,, I Seen This And Just Had To Add It
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, "How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy." He bought the "picture," but on the way home he remembered his wife, Lizzy, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's the ugly WITCH he's runnin' around with!"

Redneck Stories
Kentucky : The owner of a golf course in Kentucky was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Kentucky and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings." You gotta love those Kentucky women. Alabama : A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in two's for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked." Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!" Louisiana : A senior at Louisian

Redneck Daughter
Dear Redneck Daughter, I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not to sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried and hot because it took him two hours to

Red Neck Pickup Lines.
1) Did you fart? Cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? Cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you wuz a tree and I wuz a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beautie's only a light switch away. 8) Man: - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman: - 'WHAT?' Man: - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.' 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as winder cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. AND the best Redneck pick-up line: 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, eve

Redneck Pick Up Lines
1) Did you fart? cuz you blew me away. 2) Are yer parents retarded? cuz ya sure are special. 3) My Love fer you is like diarrhea. I can't hold it in. 4) Do you have a library card? cuz I'd like to sign you out. 5) Is there a mirror in yer pants? cuz I can see myself in em. 6) If you was a tree & I was a Squirrel, I'd store my nuts in yer hole. 7) You might not be the best lookin girl here, but beauty's only a light switch away. 8) Man - 'Fat Penguin!' Woman - 'WHAT?' Man - 'I just wanted to say something that would break the ice.' 9) I know I'm not no Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make yer bed-rock. 10) I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went inta this cheap motel room. 11) Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner. 12) If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon. AND .... the best for last! 13) Yer face reminds me of a wrench, every time I think of it, my nuts tighten up

Redneck.woman
Showing lots of love for the people that work hard everyday to make sure that we can enjoy the freedom our freedom and safety. Thank you for caring about our well being. Thank you to all of you who support your local firefighters as well. We need your support to keep us driven to do the job that we do!!!