Part II
Chapter V
No Longer Me
12/21/01
Life Slips by me, as I watch the current flow
I'm caught between the prongs of this fork within the road
I'm undecided as to which direction I will go
A momentary Lapse in Reason lets my pain begin to show
My Brain's writhing in agony
As my senses become faulty
I feel my mind slip from Reality
Break my False Sense of Security
And Now I'm no Longer Me-
Unsure of what I am
Now I'm No Longer Me
I can't trust what I'm thinking
Kuz I'm no Longer Me-
Been pushed Far beyond trusting
I'm No Longer Me-
I don't know who or what I am.
I'm watching from the ruined shell of what I used to be
As all the action is increasing, Reaction's turned to brutality
Heart that was once filled with life and Love
Now feeds off all the hostility
Please say a prayer, kiss me good-bye,
As I slip into Eternity...
Watching from high above
I'm no longer in control
See what's become of me
Slipping deep into the unseen
Terror grips me, nowhere to run and hide
Won't someone please just set me free?
I'm slowly losing touch with all that used to be my life
Kuz I'm no longer me-
I'm just one step from Insanity
Because I'm no Longer Me-
I've lost all ties to this Society
No, I'm No Longer Me.
Forever now you cannot see me
Fought One on One with Lost Identity
I'm shackled to Dark Destiny
Can't you see?
Hear my screams
Fatality
I'm No Longer Me.
Goddess
Dedicated to Sandra
12/21/01
She is my Goddess; she is my everything
She takes all that is beautiful, and adds a bit of green
When she walks into a room, She makes it bright and warm
Always pointing out the good in Life, She protects me from all harm
She is the Goddess of my heart
She is the light of my life
Stretched across the gardens of my soul
My nexus of Tranquility, My Goddess makes me whole
Pure of Heart, strong willed and not afraid to tell you so
Gentle Listener with open arms, soul of wisdom from long ago
A knowing smile- Glimpses of the sins of Eden, Warning!
Inside knowing that I'd murder, if only to amuse my darling Eve
To make the Fairy Goddess Smile
Is to bring sunshine in a bow
Committed to Her Happiness I rejoice
Intoxicated within the radiance
Embraced gently by her love
Enclosed within the safety of
The Gentle Caress of my Goddess
Thoughts...
What am I thinking?
To tell you the truth, I really don't know exactly what I'm thinking, and I don't really know how to explain it. It's like I sometimes just zone out or just drift away from what's currently going on around me. I do want to pay attention, but my mind won't let me. It's almost like my brain says, "Whoa, Time Out...I need a break!"
Or maybe it's more towards me personally not wanting to be in the place I am, with who I am with or speaking to or whatever I'm doing at the time.
Sandra asks me that question a lot, "What are you thinking about?" or something along those lines. I really don't know what to say in response to that, because I don't know what was going on in my head at the exact moment she asked because everything was still and quiet up there, more like Silent.
And other times, I purposely ignore what I'm thinking because the thoughts or train of thought I was in was beginning to annoy me or something. Or maybe I just don't want to think about that deeply till I was someplace more comfortable and conductive to whatever it was about.
But, on the other hand...
Maybe I don't want to say out loud what I was thinking because it's too embarrassing or just out right, "It's None of Anybody else's business what I'm thinking about!"
6:00 p.m.: How about a story while I ride the bus into Pedro? I still can't believe how well timed the bus ride was. I was all worried I was gonna be late getting back down to Pedro, but the buses showed up perfectly timed. Hardly any wait at all...Anyways, I digress...
So, a story... How about one about a guy who used to look forward to Christmas with much enthusiasm and anticipation. But nowadays, the holiday has become nothing but an annoyance, a nuisance. A holiday met with more and more trepidation each and every year. So much pretentiousness and Fake people pretending that every thing is Great, Just Peachy Keen, Thank you Very Much! All the people are just so full of themselves, that to suggest that there are actually people out in the world during this season that AREN'T doing so well, just doesn't make any sense, it doesn't fit in with the way THEIR world works. To them, people like my friends and me don't exist within their narrow field of vision.
Sucks Don't It?
Reality CHECK, RIGHT HERE, PLEASE! WAKE UP, ya Dumb Fucks! We DO exist, and damnit, It Really SUCKS to be us, but at least we know where we stand in Reality!
If only there was some way to open their eyes... Oh Well, I don't have the time, energy nor the urge to try and show them the ERR of their ways. If I waste time on anything, it's gonna be Me, and its gonna be what I FEEL like doing.
Hitchin' Hell
12/23/01 8:00pm
Staring out the window
As the world goes by
Drawn to roam the highways
And not even knowing why
Just another passenger with no cares
I'm just along for the ride
An Aimless Wanderer on the plains
A Nomad Soul that's finally been Untied
No known destination in mind
Moving forward one step at a time
Gladly leave what's left behind
In search of the Beauty in what we find
Living just for the quest
Not what's at the end
Frolic in the depth of
All that's in between
You have seen me everywhere
We've met once before
You've seen me in the shadows lurking
The phantasm that you're convinced you can ignore
Lurking on the Nightmare interstate
Just waiting for a lift
If you met the Grim Reaper on the highway
Hitch-hiking the length of Hell
Would you stop and offer Death a ride?
12/24/01
I've got to think, but don't want to
I've got too much on my mind
I need to clear my mind, Just silence
There's just too much to comprehend
A thousand thoughts at once, its overload
If it don't stop I'm bound to snap
Just a few moments of peace, it's not too much to ask
If not, see Chaos come to pass
Pass me by, walk on by
You don't see me within yourself
Just don't stop, don't bother telling lies
I'm the seed of confusion, Deep within
Fed by Guilt, Your Greed, and all that you deny
I'm trying to focus, Concentrations unknown
Relying too much on what was not my own
Not focused on Balance, And all that cannot be seen
A torrent of Random Thoughts raging
Clash of Two Armies That I'm
Caught In Between
The CHURCH of JAVA
12/24/01 1:00 p.m.
As you sit on the corner of 6th and Mesa in San Pedro, California, life plays out as it does everyday-
In the morning, the Suits (a.k.a. 3 piece suits and a haven filled with every imaginable type of Yuppie present) rule the Coffee Shop. Then, by midmorning, after the suits have their caffeine fix well under control, they mosey on to wherever these mysterious creatures go to conduct their business, leaving the Coffee Shop open for the next assault.
Next come the more mellow Old Timers of various nature and the earnest Job Seekers, scouring the Newspaper for any useful tidbit of Employment left behind after the whirlwind of Suits have finished their finicky gourmet habits. Horror scopes are read and decisions are made about whether or not to proceed with the day, especially if Miss Joyce Jillison says not to. Wagers are made in anticipation of whether or not Shaq will play tonight, depending on His most recently acquired Multi-Million dollar injury, "And By God, The Lakers are the World Champs only because of Shaq!"
Then as the morning wanes, and the nocturnal element of the City begins the slow journey from the Land of The Dead (Bed/Hangover) to the Land Of The Living, another breed of Cafe Dwellers begins to intermingle with the morning crowd. Thus begins the trickle of the Artists and Business owners into the mix. Business deals are made and Art Shows are scheduled, perpetuating the daily ritual of Increasing and swelling of disturbingly over-enlarged Egos...
"So and so just opened a new Gallery on _______ St." "His Insight into the delicate curves of Sculpting the Human form are awe-inspiring, BUT..." "So and so is having another Fund Raiser for....”
On and on it goes, each artist trying yet another tactic to try and ONE UP his competitor, even though One is a Sculptor and the other only does Expressionist Pieces?
As the day continues its determined crawl forward, we begin to see the Ebb and Flow of Life taking on a more relaxed and open-minded attitude. It makes the Coffee Shop into a more gentler and relaxed beast; "SACRED'S" as the regulars are often heard to affectionately call this Corner of San Pedro.
The more relaxed guise of the Coffeehouse begins to be more pronounced at that time of day when Politicians and City Council Members have realized that they have no more Deals and Conflicts Of Interest Committees to occupy their already over-paid, well padded, ELECTED OFFICIAL duties. Which, by some ironic twist of fate, happens to coincide almost exactly with when our NOCTURNAL ELEMENT has finally realized that he somehow survived the previous nights show at some NO NAME Night Club in some UN NAMED city whose name probably wasn't even worth remembering in the first place, Right?
And Upon realizing this, he in turn begins to realize two things simultaneously: 1) That once again, he has forgotten his sworn oath to "NEVER drink that much DAMN BACARDI 151 Again in his life" and 2) That his Loyal and Trusted Elected Officials in City Council and Chamber Of Commerce and all other related/inbred Politician type offices have once again decided to not only raise his pitifully over-priced Rent for a run down, dilapidated corner of an old Shipping Warehouse pretending to be a "Spacious Studio Apartments with View Of The Harbor in Lovely San Pedro". (Actually, this use to be a warehouse owned by Star-Kist Tuna, but they abandoned it awfully fast when it was deemed unsafe and slighted for Demolition by None other that "Elected Officials"!) And, To boot, the Elected Official also raised the local taxes to pay for upcoming "Fundraiser and Campaign Financing" gimmicks, which are "For the Greater Benefit of the Community as a Whole! -(Which actually just ends up in the pockets of the Politicians "Organizing" these Community Oriented Events...)
Scratching various parts of his Hang-Over Ridden self, the Nocturnal Element scans the "Friendly Reminder From the Management", then automatically files the notice over his shoulder into his homes conveniently placed "IMPORTANT STUFF" filing cabinet, also known in other parts of the world as A) Trash-Can, B) Waste-Basket, and C)(my all time favorite) The Shit Pile! Then by some unseen process, The Nocturnal arrives at a solid decision concluding that he has ONE hell of a hang-over that needs to be remedied, and very soon if he wishes to avoid the whole hassle of killing some innocent asshole who happens to say the wrong thing to him before he has had his first cup of Coffee. So, in this manner, our Nocturnal Element makes his way to the salvation and omniscient Glory of our Divine Spiritual Leader of the Coffee House Culture, the all powerful idol we so humbly worship-CAFFIENE! Ah Yes, the mighty heart of the Cyber-Revolutions whole universe. The Life Blood of Open-Mics across the U.S.A.-Coffee, Espresso, Cappuccino, Latte-it goes under many names, and also other guises such as Jolt Cola, Gingkokaloba, Ginseng, FUCK IT JUST GIVE ME A GOD DAMN IVY, STAT!
Anyways, Caffeine in a social setting such as a Coffee Shop, which is particularly well known for the tendency to aid in bringing single people together. Coffee, or pretty much any stimulant for that matter, is and can be very beneficial to two people in an awkward, potentially embarrassing situation, because, as a stimulant, it heightens certain hormone levels which thus allows two Shy people to Relax, thus less intimidated, lowering natural and cultural inhibitions. In other words, it's almost like alcohol when it comes to even Computer Nerds Getting Laid!
Cow-Pachino and the Espressioso Mafia!
This here is an excerpt from Damien La Rouche's Diary around the time he had a nervous Breakdown on Christmas Eve. The two girls he is referring to, God Rest Their Souls, Committed Suicide off of the cliffs known as Sunken City, in San Pedro, California. After much thought and reflection, it was discovered that the girl, Allison, decided to kill herself because she let her best friend down in a time of need, but not much of that is described here. These are just random scribblings in Damien's Journal.
Oh, No, it's here again! Fucking Christ-Fuck-en-Mas. The most offensive of all the Roman-Catholic Holidays! Well, Merry Fuckin' Christmas, K? Nuff Said.
OH GOD, Allison and Angie and Criminal Joe, OH MY GOD! Help Me!
How could I have been soo (deep breath) stupid. Joe invited them all over. He hung out at the CoffeeHouse and when he heard one of them had run away from home, he casually suggested "his Place", assuring them that it was cool.
Why didn't anyone tell me up front the whole story about Criminal Joe, and how he had been arrested before for Sexual Molestation and shit like that? Angie, Julie, and Allison had ALL asked to sleep in my girlfriend’s room and mine on the various occasions they were there. Oh GOD no, I didn't know. I didn't see, please forgive me. Okay, now, Deep Breath and
Out with the Old, In with the New.
Okay, now I feel much better now...
My chi is all whacked. At least now the confusion is unraveling, like me. Hehe
I'm gonna try going to sleep like I wanted to till some dumb kid showed up and tried to tell me about Dis Respect.
I'm done With Christmas
A very interesting kind of day to say the least. All the shit with Wall last night left me ill the rest of last night, and carried over into this morning and most of the day.
I'm Done With Games
They all wear different masks
In this game we play today
Each one of a different color
Telling of the part each one plays
Blue Mask is the Bringer of
That Sadness we face each day
A remembered kiss, a Broken Heart
A fleeting devil to Ruin your day
But much more important, listen, Beware!
The One mask to avoid above all else, See
Is the Sneaky Buggery Done
By our Evil Little Friend, jealousy
Standing proud, Gleaning Mask Of Green
The Saint of Embitterment
Planting Weeds of Distrust among friends
As He Revels in Resulting Misery
I still can't figure out why Wall started making a big deal out of shit last night?!? And I still can't figure out why the shit with Amber and Alicia hit me so hard last night. What brought that on?
I just saw Gabe here and he was pretty tore up on Jim Beam. I'm lost in some weird thoughts here, now. I don't really want to talk to anyone kuz of how I'm perceiving people's actions and intentions. I don't want to end up getting more worked up and uneasy than I already am.
Remember the story of the Man Who Used to look forward to Christmas only to be let down?... Well here I am, at the end of Christmas Day and I want nothing more to do with it. Good RIDDANCE!
The Turmoil and unsurety today has really drained me, but also left me overly alert. I'm very distressed at how severe and sudden the emotion Gambit was gone through by me in the last 24 hours. At moments today, I felt very confused, angry, betrayed, annoyed, dissatisfied and Just Down Right Disgusted with everything, everywhere, everyone.
All I can say now is "I'm Done Explaining Everything!"
Sick Of Your Shit
Sick of your Shit, the Sight of Your skull
I'm just about to bury this axe upside your skull!
Swingin and choppin while I whistle Dixie
Set your ass on fire kuz I like to eat em Crispy
Stupid motherfucker, Get the fuck out of my face
Before I have to show ya what I'm gonna do to your face
Or How I'll make your body's tiny pieces disappear without a trace
I might just cut your face off
Just to stuff it in your ass
Making toasts to your health with gasoline
Here's a smoke and a match, Now we'll have a blast
Ya nugbones cooked with my T-Bone
Marinating someone’s brains can take some time
Your screams of pain make this Necro-chef at home
Laughing as I soak your mangled body in this boiling pot of lime
Intestine stew is sounding nice
Gross huh? Well, that's how I feel about some people sometimes and its sad, cuz it's there own fault for being so Ignorant and STOOPID, you know what I mean?
Cold Silence
January 04, 2002
Cold and Silent, a tear drop heard at night
Thoughts twisted and bent, Tired of the useless fight
Words, Cold as Steel, Sharp as the Vampire's Bite
Shudder and Cry, I feel alone as you cut off your light
Confused and Broken, here I lie
At your feet, I once worshipped
But Now I die...
Was there something I did
Or said, so wrong
Or do I have to anguish over unknowns
As you drag me along
I'm cold and lost without your smiling heart
And you've given me no map to use
When you push us apart
Neither Guilt, Nor Greed, more uncertain
Of You and Me
I'd just die and whither before you
If I no longer fit your needs
I'm so Lost without your Love's undying embrace
Or the look of a smile when I gently kiss your face
Damien's Journal: Sunday, January 06, 2002
Well, today I'm writing this at my grandmother's house and I'm feeling depressed about Julia, but still trying to be accepting about the whole thing. It's like everywhere I turn I see or hear a reminder of Her and it jolts me back into the depression once again.
But at the same time, I'm very optimistic about taking care of business and getting my shit squared away and maybe getting back into Julia's good graces. On the other hand, I don't feel very optimistic about Julia even wanting to even think of taking me back even if I do get all my shit done. Julia has hurled me into the worst Catch-22. And she doesn't even seem to realize that some of the same shit she's bitching at me about is the EXACT shit she's been pulling too!
GRRRRR!!!!
I Love you Julia, and miss you like hell. Please don't leave me in the cold like this. It HURTS SOOOOO FUCKING MUCH.... It Hurts..
PLEASE!!!!!
Movin On
Sunday, January 13, 2002
Movin on from this part of town
Trying to leave this world behind
I think I'm finally calming down
Sorting through this wreckage
Through all the good and bad we've done
But I'm afraid of what I'll find
The agony of the words you've said
I'm so confused, I'm feeling like I'm dead
I'm wondering
Should I even bother now
Do you still really care?
I only want so much to show you
How I keep seeing you everywhere
I want to hold you in my arms again
I want to run my fingers through your hair
I want to taste your lips, quivering in passion
I want to feel the heat of your body next to mine
Every day is anguish without you
Every waking moment is hell
Hoping for a glimpse of you
I stand crying in the rain
Hopin you'll listen to me once more
When I say my final "I love You"
As time went on, Damien ached and longed more and more for Julia to change her mind and take him back once more... For awhile, it seemed that Damien was finally winning Julia back, as they started to hang out with each other more and more again. But the whole time, Julia made it very clear that they were starting over Completely again... Damien would have to RE-WOO her, if there is ever such a thing. He tried and tried to please her and show her that he really DID care for her and would do anything to make her happy. As Valentine's Day fast approached, Damien prepared a surprise gift for her to show his devotion and love to her. But as fate would have it... Cupid would play one of his more Crueler jokes in time on Damien and his love for Julia... That evil little bastard!!!
As we'll see in his next few Journal entries, we see how Love Shunned can be one of the most painful and cruelest of Deaths to happen to anyone... When your Heart Dies....
Friday, February 23 2002
Well, I'm not exactly sure of the exact reason why I haven't written much in this journal lately, but I'm sure the content and emotional turmoil associated with this journal had a part to play in it. But also I think the unsurety of events lately and the outcome of some of those events also played a part in me not writing, too.
One of those said items happens to do a lot with where I stand in Julia's Life. I have come quite a ways in the last month and a half or so, and have started to look at certain things in life in a whole different way, and also started to pay attention to some of the more necessary things in life, including Love. And it's becoming more apparent that I must really start making myself a better person if I wish to keep the most truly amazingly beautiful woman I have ever loved, and that is my Goddess, Julia!
One of these things about me that always seems to get me into trouble is how selfish and self-centered I can be sometimes. And that trait seems to have been one of the most damaging to my relationship with Julia. I can't believe at how far gone into myself I had gotten while living at Julia's Sister's house with Julia. I sooo should have listened to exactly what Julia was trying to tell me about her sister. IF, IF, IF... I hate the word, "IF". But if we hadn't moved in there...Julia and I might still be happy or happier or we could have ended up worse off than we both are now... So you never know. Damn, I hate that! But what happened is what happened and we can't change that. Looking back, I finally realized how much I had taken Julia for granted, assuming she would always be there, no matter what. Well, how wrong I was and how Julia proved it to me in the utmost extreme!
At least I'm recognizing all these things hopefully in time enough that I won't lose Julia's heart entirely. I'm hopeful that I can woo Julia back into my arms once again where I will honestly and truly embrace and protect her precious being wholly and entirely for Eternity. I love her that damn much, and it hurts. I have never loved someone as wholly and entirely as I Love Julia. She literally means the world to me and is my whole universe. And I truly believe I would die without her in my life.
I Love You Julia!
God, it's always hard to get started writing again when things start to go along normal and not so stressful... When there's nothing to bitch about, I don't write much at all. Then there's also the simple fact that it's hard getting an idea from thoughts in my mind onto paper in any original form. Some time’s I think some of the most original, deep thinking stuff up in my head, but when it comes time to put them down on paper, I lost it. That's why I bought this journal was so I could have something to put those thoughts and ideas down. But all the shit that started going down in the end of December soured me on this journal in particular.
So, as of now, I'm trying to break through this and get myself and my writing re-focused on what's important and that's me and what I'm thinking. I need to rebalance my Chi. But Before I can do that, I have to think back and organize everything that's happened over the last few months, and that's not all that easy to do. Cuz there's a lot of SHIT.
And it's time it's been dealt with. Now the only problem with doing this is thinking through and writing all of this down objectively, not letting my own personal ideas and feelings interfere with my writing. And it's a lot easier said than done...
February 26, 2002
Well, this morning I'm going out to the Cat's Eye in Long Beach with Julia to see what kind of magickal stuff we can find out there and see what kind of workshops they have and how much they are. I'm looking forward to just being able to spend time with her today.
Yesterday, she called here at 8:30 a.m. to see if I wanted to go, but I couldn't because I was going into the studio to record our crappy little 3 song demo for Wacked. But she did agree to come hang out with me at the studio for a couple of hours though, so that was cool. I gave her the stuff I printed off the net for the Runic Alphabet, which she really appreciated.
Then, later on, she came by my work and hung out with me at lunchtime, where she called me "her friend" while she was talking on her cell phone with someone.
So she's hanging out with me a lot more, but I'm getting a very confused vibe about what she feels for me and what's she's thinking...
And I know right now that I'm really trying to avoid what I'm thinking and feeling inside. But I don't know how to let it go entirely......
MARCH 10, 2002
Well, I felt all giddy this afternoon and I didn't know why. I thought maybe Julia might call me up so we could hang out or something today, but she didn't call... I started getting restless, so I decided I would make my Sunday Night useful by going down to San Pedro to go look for my car.
Well, when I got to San Pedro, what I found BROKE ME. Julia was sitting in this Creeps truck, of all the fucking Losers in San Pedro, she picked the worst of them ALL. HE MAKES ME LOOK LIKE AN AMATURE WHEN IT COMES TO DRINKING AND DRAMA!!!!
SHIT----This huRTs SO FUCkINg MuCH. JUsT THe Way She Looked AT ME, The WAY HE LooKED AT ME.. LIKE HARDY FUCKING HARR HARR>>> LOOK WHAT I HAVE NOW AND YOU DON"T!!!!
THehnnn...
I can't FUCKING WRITE ANYMORE..... It HURts Toooo MUCH>.... Too EVENN thINKN about IT>....... FUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!
And thus was the night that Damien La Rouche's Soul Died...
